Tuesday, April 23. 2019“Can Grandma and Grandpa come over?”
Grandparents can be very special to a child. In a good relationship, they offer unconditional love and acceptance. They often pay undivided attention and listen with interest to all their grandchild has to tell. Many grandparents are flexible—they have free time and their own lives are fairly settled. Since they don’t have day-to-day responsibility for their grandchild, they can get involved without worrying about such tough issues as discipline and education. Good grandparent-grandchild relationships usually revolve around the child’s interests, although children sometimes will listen carefully to their grandparents’ stories (“We didn’t have computers and videos when I was your age,”) and may enjoy participating in a grandparent’s hobby. Still, the focus is on the child. During the preschool years, most children are happy to stay near their grandparents during a visit. By the early elementary years, kids are involved in many activities and are often busy when grandparents are around. The relationship changes. Grandparents of a six- to nine-year-old may spend less time directly involved with their grandchild and more time watching his soccer games, class plays, or recitals. Parents find themselves in the middle of the grandparent-grandchild relationship. In the best situations, parents love to share their child’s accomplishments with grandparents and hear them say wonderful things back. It’s especially gratifying when grandparents compliment parents for successful child-rearing. But the relationship can be complex and uncomfortable, especially for the generation in the middle. When grandparents criticize the way their grandchild is being raised, parents resent the intrusion. If grandparents are especially loving towards their grandchild, a parent may angrily or jealously wonder why she didn’t experience such acceptance when she was young: “Why are they so nice now? They were never like that when I was growing up.” At the other extreme, if grandparents aren’t loving enough, parents mourn the loss of a relationship they wanted for their child. By the time a child is in elementary school, he knows a great deal about his grandparents. He knows how they react to him, how likely they are to pay attention and play with him, and what their personalities are like. A grandchild sometimes sees the same characteristics that his parents once saw. And he, like his parents, may be bothered: “Grandpa thinks he knows everything.” Parents can commiserate: “You know, when I was growing up I sometimes felt the same way about Grandpa. I think it’s his way of giving advice and helping out.” Parents usually find that their child is more tolerant of a grandparent’s idiosyncrasies than they are. If your child’s grandparents are intent on seeing and enjoying him, the relationship will flourish. If they are emotionally or geographically distant, there are some things you can do to encourage the relationship. When grandparents live far away, remain in contact via telephone or email. Exchange audio tapes describing recent activities or send videotapes of your child playing, singing, showing off his room, or telling a story. You can help your child write to his grandparents by giving him several addressed, stamped envelopes ready to send off with a letter, photo, or drawing. If you’ve kept grandparents at a distance because of their attitudes or actions, reconsider now that your child is older. One parent who thought her mother overindulged the grandchildren as preschoolers saw that the leniency and generosity didn’t harm them or make them greedy. She began to invite her mother over more often. If you sense that your child is bothered or worried about his grandparents, let him talk about his feelings. If his grandmother is sick or if there’s a sudden change in her health or living situation, he will ask lots of questions and seek reassurance: “Will Grandma be all right?” “Will she always be sad now?” “Will we still get to see her?” The relationship between grandparents and grandchildren can enrich both generations. When it works, it’s wonderful. When it doesn’t develop as you would wish, there still will be benefits. As the parent in-between, try to accept whatever disappointment you feel and nurture the good parts of the relationship. Picture Credit : Google Tuesday, April 23. 2019“How do I explain the difference between Hanukkah and Christmas?”
Jewish children often feel a sense of alienation during the Christmas/Hanukkah season. Stores and houses are filled with decorations for a holiday Jewish children don’t celebrate. Well-meaning strangers ask, “What are you getting for Christmas?” “Have you put up your tree yet?” and Jewish children feel awkward answering. Schools often center art projects and assemblies on Christmas, and some children and adults who know little about Judaism say in amazement, “You mean you don’t celebrate Christmas?” Young Jewish children may feel they’re missing something. A holiday when parents are off from work and presents are placed beneath a decorated tree can seem enticing: “Can’t we get a Christmas tree too and still celebrate Hanukkah?” “Do we get as many presents at Hanukkah as kids who celebrate Christmas?” Jewish children can also feel resentment and anger that their holiday, Hanukkah, is not treated as Christmas is: “Why are there Christmas decorations everywhere? Why not Hanukkah decorations?” “Not everybody celebrates Christmas. They should care about other people’s religions.” These feelings stem from a child’s desire to be treated equally and fairly. A six- to nine-year-old wants to be like her friends and classmates. At Christmas, Jewish children become acutely aware of the differences between themselves and their Christian friends. Jewish parents should let their child express her feelings and they should try to understand her anger. They should then use the holiday season to talk about the differences between religions, the feelings of minorities, and the meaning of various holidays in our diverse culture. Although Hanukkah is not as religiously significant to Jews as Christmas is to Christians, the two often are linked because of their closeness on the calendar and because gifts are given for both. Jewish children should be taught the importance of their own holiday and should be helped to enjoy it for the cultural, historical, and religious occasion that it is. To help your child focus on the positive side of the holiday season, try recreating Hanukkah activities you remember from your childhood. Ask your child how she’d like to mark the holiday: baking and cooking, playing games, making cards and gifts. Encourage a sense of community by inviting friends and relatives over to light the Hanukkah candles during the holiday’s eight nights. Ask your child’s teacher if she’d like you to make a class presentation on Hanukkah. Many Jewish families help their Christian friends decorate a tree. This is one way to share the enjoyment of the holiday season. Also be sure your child has an opportunity during the holidays to perform community service with you or otherwise help you give to people in need. During this season, as at other times, show the behavior you’d like your child to adopt. Let her see your enthusiasm for Hanukkah and understanding and respect for the religious beliefs of others. Eventually she will be able to enjoy her own holiday and observe the celebration of Christmas without feeling left out. Picture Credit : Google Tuesday, April 23. 2019How do I know if my child needs therapy?
Dealing with a child’s emotional and behavioral problems can be difficult. It’s hard for parents to judge how serious their child’s problems are or to decide how to handle them. Some upsetting behavior may be temporary, due to circumstances such as a move or the birth of a sibling. Some problems, particularly ones affecting schoolwork, can be resolved after an evaluation by a school psychologist. Other troubling behavior patterns indicate deeper, ongoing problems that require therapy. Complicating the issue of treating emotional problems are parents’ questions and fears. Although parents wouldn’t hesitate to contact a pediatrician about their child’s physical illnesses, they’re often quite reluctant to talk to a therapist about emotional difficulties. Many parents don’t know what’s involved in child therapy and fear the unknown. They may worry that their child will be stigmatized or labeled. They find his problems too complex to deal with, and they avoid therapy out of a sense of frustration or helplessness. There are parents who can’t look at their child’s behavior objectively and miss problems that are obvious to others. The tendency for parents to resist child therapy is natural. They usually blame themselves for their child’s problems: “Maybe I should have spent more time with her.” “I should have set firmer limits.” They feel guilty and may avoid seeking help rather than face their uncomfortable feelings. Although parents sometimes decide on their own to seek a child therapist, the initiative often comes from a pediatrician, teacher, or school counselor who’s noticed troubling symptoms in the child. His schoolwork may be poor, he may be disrupting the class, or he may show physical signs of stress. Parents who are initially upset by a recommendation to seek therapy sometimes feel relief at the prospect of finding answers and help. It’s hard to generalize about the severity and nature of emotional problems, but there are signs parents can look for when evaluating their child. Does he have a difficult time expressing his anger? Does he seem especially angry? Is his home situation stressful? Has there been recent family trauma? Are his behavior patterns significantly different from his peers’? Does he get into fights at school? Do neighborhood parents report that he’s too aggressive? Does he work below his potential at school? Does his teacher report negative behavior? Is he withdrawn? Does he have a poor self-image? Has anyone suggested he take medication for behavioral reasons? Parents should remember that all children display some of these behavioral problems at times, particularly when they are adjusting to changes in their lives, such as school pressures, parents’ new work schedules, or tensions in the home. Parents need to worry only when consistent patterns of troubling behavior affect their child’s social life and schoolwork. Most eight- and nine-year-old children begin “talk” therapy while most six- and seven-year-olds begin with “play therapy.” Since these younger children usually have a hard time verbalizing their feelings, therapists have them communicate through play sessions. Kids literally play out their feelings. While a child pretends with toys or uses clay or drawing materials, his therapist observes and talks with him. If he sets up a mock battle with two figures, the therapist may say, “They must be really angry with each other. Does that kind of fighting remind you of other fights you’ve seen?” A good therapist knows how to interpret play and how to help a child work through difficult issues in the one-on-one setting of a therapy session. One eight-year-old said that his “feelings” doctor helped him stop thinking about robbers and monsters at night. If you feel your child needs professional help, seek recommendations from your pediatrician or a school counselor. You could consult a clinical social worker, psychologist, or child psychiatrist. Just be sure whoever you select has expertise and experience working with children. You can call your local AMA or American Psychological Association chapter to verify a therapist’s credentials. Consider interviewing at least two therapists, either by phone or in person, to find out about their practices, fees, personalities, and approaches. Ask about the therapist’s training and about what goes on during a session. Ask how therapy will help your child and how the therapist will keep you informed. Will she observe your child at school? Will she do testing? Does she have a sliding payment scale and does she submit statements to insurance companies? Ask how she suggests you talk to your child about therapy. When you’ve chosen a therapist, tell your child what the initial visit will be like and explain that the therapist is someone who helps children feels happier and more comfortable with their family, school, and friends. You child may develop a strong attachment to his therapist. The therapist is someone he can trust and someone who accepts his feelings—good and bad—without passing judgment. Throughout the course of treatment, keep in close contact with the therapist. If you don’t see the progress you expected, talk to her. She should be willing to answer all your questions. Although it may be difficult for you to accept that your child needs therapy, you’re doing the right thing if you seek help when he’s young. It will be easier for him to alter his behavior and work through problems now than it will be when he’s a teenager. And even at his young age, change may be slow and gradual. Focus on the progress he makes. It’s never easy to alter a child’s behavior or self-image, but with time and patience, you and he should find therapy a remarkably positive experience. Picture Credit : Google |
|
