I want to forget her



I love my girlfriend even though we have broken up. I just can't live without her. Since I came to know that she doesn't love me anymore, I want to forget her but I am unable to do so. This is affecting my studies. What should I do in order to forget her and lead a successful life?



Looks like you feel much pain at breaking up with your girlfriend. It must hurt that she doesn't love you anymore.



Firstly, be aware of and acknowledge your feelings -- the hurt, sadness, and pain because you have broken up. Take time for this, for it will help you to feel calmer and more peaceful.



Imagine that you are in charge of lighting the stage of your life. What you're doing at present is placing your ex girlfriend at centre-stage and putting a spotlight on her. This blinds you and leaves the rest of the stage - all the other people and things present in your life - in darkness. Remember, the switch of your mind's spotlight is in your hands. Move the spotlight onto other people and things new friends, your studies, hobbies. Acknowledge and be grateful for whatever you have, and which brings you joy. This way, the entire stage of your life will light up!



You say you 'just can't live without her', know that you are already living without her and have asked for advice on how to 'forget her! This shows that you have taken the first step to moving on!



 



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I am not sure if she likes me



I am a student of Class 9. I like one of my classmates, but I’m not sure if she likes me. I want to concentrate on my studies and exams, but whenever I take my books in my hands I start thinking of her. My parents have great expectations of me. I want to fulfill their dreams which are my goal in life. What should I do?



Thinking about a classmate you like and not knowing if she likes you is distracting you from your studies.



Since this girl is your classmate, make friends with her, if you haven’t already. Get to know her as a person. If you are already friends, enjoy the friendship. If she thinks of you as a special friend, it will be quite obvious, and if she doesn’t, you will also know soon enough.



As for your future, do ensure that the dreams you are trying to fulfil are also what you want, not just those that your parents want for you. If you are only working to fulfill their dreams, you will not put in a wholehearted effort. Take up your books because you want to learn.



To study, set a 25-minute timer and commit to focusing. When you get distracted, say I will think about that later' and get back to studies. After 25-minutes, take a 5 to 10-minute break and allow yourself to think about or do whatever you like. Then back to another 25-minute session. With a little determination, you can achieve your goals. Good luck!



 



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Our friend’s girlfriend tries to control him



We have a group of close friends, all boys. One of our friend's girlfriend tries to manipulate and control him. She has brought about a lot of changes in his behaviour. He often disrespects or causes hurt to our sentiments. The girl often tries to defame us in our friend's view. Day by day our friend is getting away from us.



You're hurt and angry with your friend's behaviour and fear losing him. Yet, the reality is that other halves' will enter all your lives sometime. Whether they become the "better' or 'bitter' half is up to you.



So, come to the same side as your friend: Tell him you are happy that he has someone special in his life; that you know that he is torn between friends and her. Express your hurt when he disrespects you. Share that as a group your goal is to balance your personal lives and still keep the bond you share as a group. Discuss three scenarios: how/when you will a) spend time alone as a group; b) spend time away from the group (alone with a girlfriend) and c) include girlfriends in group activities. The end goal: your friendship remains intact.



Finally, get to know his girlfriend. Acknowledge her importance in his life. Reassure her that while he is free to spend time with her, it would be nice if he spent some time with his friends too, and that you all will include her in the group sometimes.



To balance group bonds with personal ones, it is necessary to be accepting and have open communication. Only then can there be harmony.



 



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I suffer from nightmares related to my study



I am in Class XI and a JEE aspirant. Due to the pandemic our Class X exam results were delayed and hence the upcoming session, which resulted in a loss of time for my JEE exam preparation. I am left with just a year for the preparation. I hate online classes as I learn 0% from it. I was one of the toppers in Class X but now I don't think I can make it. Recently our tests and exams were taken online and I know I did not perform well. My parents bought me a specialized online coaching package, but I am not performing well even then. I have changed my school because of my father's job and I hate the place in which we live now. My father has so many visitors that the whole day is wasted in serving outsiders. I get no time for studying as my mom tells me to do household chores. I think because I am a girl they treat me like that. I wish I was a boy because then I would never have to do all this. I even suffer from nightmares related to my study. I don't think I can crack JEE if the situation remains the same. I want to go back to my school and to the place I lived in before. I often end up in tears when I think about it.



Sounds like you just hate everything that is happening to you. You feel powerless, out of control and a failure, and you're ready to give up. Yet, when you are rock bottom, you can only go up.



You can choose to look backwards at all the things that have not worked, label them as terrible, play a victim, pity yourself and spiral into despair; OR you can look forward to your future, label your challenges as opportunities to grow, be a 'growth-mindset' person, and make things happen. The truly successful people in the world went through tremendous tough times before emerging winners.



If you want to win over yourself and your mind:



a) Accept the new place and school. A growth-mindset person can grow where planted. What if you were stuck in an IIT and this situation arose?



b) Set boundaries: If your priority is studies, set aside time slots to study and tell everyone not to disturb you then. Be firm. Set aside a different time to help your parents.



c) Inspire yourself: Find ways to encourage yourself towards your JEE goal and success. Examples: A vision board on the wall. An image of yourself with a medal saying ‘JEE'. A voice recording to play when you're discouraged.



d) Sort your study difficulties: Your feelings of resentment prevent you from focusing. Rewire. Online learning can be recorded, played back a million times, is in small chunks and there are a thousand references for a topic. If you're missing company: Phone a friend. Teach another. Video call an expert (teacher). Get a study buddy or group. People are often happy to help.



Even one second ago is the past. Work in the present to create your future.



 



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