My family asked me to choose between them and him



I’m a 15 year old girl in Std X. I was in a relationship with a boy who also studies in the same class but in a different city. We were in a relationship for 5 months. One day my family learned about our relationship and asked me to choose between them and him. I had promised not to contact him or get into a relationship with anyone. But I’m missing him a lot; I still love him. My best friend contacted him and asked him that whether he still love me and he replied, “Yes I still love her but she left me.” This made me sadder. We both truly love each other. My best friend is also sad because of my situation. What should I do?



You did well in choosing your family rather than the boy with whom you were in a relationship for 5 months; on the contrary you have grown up and have been loved by your parents for the last 15 years. Now you are “missing him a lot” and “still love him”. He too still loves you. At the age of 15 the best love both of you can experience is the free and pure love of friendship, not a romantic love leading to a lifelong commitment in marriage. Have patience and in a few years, if your feelings towards each other remain unchanged, you may be free to keep in touch with each other and plan your future.



 



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I want to run away



I am 15 years old and I am just promoted to Std X. I’m so sorry to confess but I hate my parents. They limit me on everything. I have stopped doing everything considering that they would appreciate my efforts. I don’t play, I don’t dance, I don’t talk back to them, I don’t participate in any extracurricular activities…I even limited sketching which was once my only passion. Though they never asked for it but I never found them happy with it. I abandoned so many things. But they want marks…they want me to study, study and study. All children are different. All of them can’t be toppers. I liked studying but they put so much pressure on me that a kind of hatred I born within me. I need some freedom and if I talk about it to my parents then they just shout at me to shut me up and I can even get a slap or two so I try to be silent all the time. It’s useless to talk to my relatives. I have tried it many times but they just add fuel to the fire. I don’t share these things to my friends because I feel that they don’t care. I feel hated and I feel lonely. My worst problem is that I don’t trust anyone now. I want to run away now…I want to die! What should I do?



I’m sorry to read that you “hate” your parents because they limit you in everything and you have abandoned many things “though they never asked for it”. They want you to study and get good marks. Many parents feel that a good education can help their children to build a career and get a good job. Their eyes are on the future. On the contrary, at the age of 15 you are focused on experiencing and learning many things right now. Though this situation in the family is unpleasant and sometimes painful, you should respect your parents. In their own way they love you and want you to work hard in order to build a good future. You feel that your relatives cannot help in this situation and that your friends “don’t care” and you “feel lonely”. Share your feelings and pain with someone your parents trust: a religious leader or a good school teacher who could give some advice to them on how to deal with teenagers. Be patient, in a few years, if you do well in your studies, your parents will give you the freedom you need.



 



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He spreads bad rumours about me



Some students in my class began spreading rumours about me and a boy in class. At first I used to ignore it, but then I got a few hints. After 3 years he told me that he used to like me since years. I started chatting with him on Facebook (because I wanted to use Facebook for the first time) and in class we talked through chits but for a few days only. But then he got quite frank and sometimes followed me home in spite of my warning not to do so. I clearly told him that I didn’t like him and told my father everything. He was also scolded by his father. He gets jealous when I talk to another boy in class and told me that he will beat up that boy in class. I am completely disturbed due to it and can’t concentrate on my studies. Please help.



 You were in a relationship with a boy in your class and chatted with him on Facebook and sometimes through chits in the classroom. Later on he started following you home and you did not like it and told him so. You told your father about it and his father too came to know and scolded him. Now he get jealous when you talk to another boy in the class and spreads bad rumours about you and that boy. Keep your father informed about this situation and he can keep in touch with that boy’s father and warn him not to do so. As you have done nothing wrong with that boy you can have peace and concentrate on your studies as no one will listen to those rumours.



 



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I have taken admission in a girls’ college



I’m a girl of 17 and I have completed Std XII. Now I have taken admission in a girls’ college. I’m nervous about dealing with my fellow students. What should I do?



After standard XII you have taken admission in a girls’ college and are nervous about how to deal with your new fellow students. You already have experience in dealing with fellow students in your previous college. Therefore put on a smile and deal lovingly and respectfully with your new friends as you did in the past. If this has helped you in the past, it will help you also in the future.



 



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I am unable to express my feelings to her



I am in Std XI and I love a girl in my class. But whenever I talk to her she teases me with another girl’s name. She does not know about my feelings and I am unable to express them to her. How can I express my feelings to her?



The girl you “love” in your class teases you “with another girl’s name” when you want to talk to her. He is not taking the relationship with you seriously and is making fun of you. As you are unable to express your feelings to her, it is better for you to be a good and simple friend to her without pretending to talk too much about feelings that are not yet clear to you and are unable to express.



 



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My parents don’t understand me



I’m a 15-year-old girl and I’m very lonely. I don’t have a friend with whom I can share my feelings and thoughts. I want to join dance classes but my parents won’t allow it. I am a very active girl, but my parents are making my mind weak by keeping me at home. I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I think I should commit suicide. I love my parents. But they don’t understand me. I enjoy school, but at home I am very lonely.



I am sorry to read that you don’t have a friend with whom to share your feelings and thoughts. You feel that your parents are making your mind weak by keeping you at home. Unfortunately sometimes you think of committing suicide. This is a serious situation because you love your parents but judge them unable to understand you. Your parents who brought you into this world and care for you every day have your life and future in their hearts. You should enter into a respectful and loving dialogue with them, maybe with the help of a good family friend or relation. You could also share the situation with a good school teacher or counsellor who could talk to your parents. Go on loving your parents and trust them.



 



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She loves someone else



I love a girl but she doesn’t love me. She loves someone else. But that boy has one more girlfriend in his life which this girl doesn’t know anything about. All of our friends tease us that we love each other. I think she loves me, but I have a problem. But my sister doesn’t like that girl. When I speak to her, my sister sometimes doesn’t talk to me and ignores me; she has a lot of negative attitude and sometimes gives me back answers. I love my sister very much. What should I do?



In your letter there are many negative situations: you love a girl “but she doesn’t love” you, “she loves someone else”, all your friends “tease us that we love each other”, your “sister doesn’t like that girl, when I speak to her, my sister sometimes doesn’t talk to you and ignores you”, you love your sister “very much” and do not know what to do. You cannot handle so many negative situations. At this moment of your life it is better for you to concentrate on your studies, family and good friends. A beautiful friendly relationship is better than a complicated and painful “love”.



 



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I have turned into a compulsive liar



Ever since I have grown into an adolescent, I have always had this sheer desire towards perfection. I have always tried hard to be perfect in everything I so including studies, domestic responsibilities and all other activities. But the more I want to build myself into a perfect and idealistic person, the messier I become. I just want to stand out in the crowd as an extraordinary and spotless character. But in this process I have turned into a person with huge insecurities hidden beneath my shell of confidence. I have turned into a toxic, narcissistic, clingy, impulsive and most unfortunately, a compulsive liar. I feel disgusted and guilty. But people help me come out of this phase and be what I am supposed to be. Help me to get rid of compulsive lying and be myself happy.



I appreciate you for your self-awareness – it is a superb quality and a great starting point for change!



Here’s the ‘mental’ math that you are doing. Ideal me in future – Ideal me now = I have to be perfect = shortfall + I don’t love myself +Negative self-image and Cover-ups (Closed mindset). You can see how it puts you in an imaginary prison of your own making.



So, how a new question: Realistic yet Ideal me in future – Real me now = Areas I can work on = I love myself and don’t have to be perfect + Positive self-image (Open minded).



Over the next few weeks, keep a journal of your strengths and weaknesses, positives and negatives, likes and dislikes. Each day, take one of the positives and write out why you are grateful they are there. When you are ready, take a few not-so-positive things and write why you are grateful that these too are there in your life. Pick the ones you want to change and be patient with yourself while doing so.



No one is perfect. You could compare it to the sun – it is not perfect, it has spots, yet it radiates its light. Similarly, if you love yourself who you are, you will automatically start radiating the joy and happiness you feel within.



 



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If I don’t give time to him, he may forget me



There’s a boy on Instagram whom I am addicted to. We’ve been friends since the past seven months but I recently realized that I love him. I’ve never met him but trust me, he’s very nice and genuine guy, so there’s no worry that he’ll harm me in any way. We are connected to each other through social media. He doesn’t know about my feelings and right now, I don’t want to tell him. I forget all my worries and stress when I talk to him. The problem is that I have to appear for my board this year, but I am always busy with my phone because I think that if he comes online and uploads something, I may miss the chance to see it. Due to this, my grades have decreased. I fear that if I stay even a minute away from a phone, I might miss something about him. In short, I am stuck between my studies and love life. I also think that if I don’t give time to him, he may forget me one day and I can’t afford to lose him. I am very confused.



Looks like you have a ‘Fear of Missing Out’ (FOMO) on an interaction with this guy. You are hardly likely to miss any posts from a person you are following, for social media both gives a notification for it, as well as indicate that it is unread. Also, posts remain available until the person who posts deletes them.



You also seem to consider giving your board exams as a ‘problem’ which is getting in the way of social media and relationships, instead of the other way around. Board exams coma at one point of time, while a relationship can be developed over the years.



You can help yourself by making an agreement with yourself. Go online as a reward for focusing on studies. For every two hours of study, give yourself a maximum of 15 minutes on social media and then get back to studies. Or, use the clock to fix a time with yourself to cut off when you need to.



 



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I feel nervous to propose her



I am in love with a girl and feel nervous to propose to her. In this situation I am not able to focus on my studies and my percentage is deteriorating. This year I have to appear for my board exams. What should I do?



You’re torn between your studies and your heart. And the heart ends up winning. But your mind does know that your board exams are a priority.



Do you already know this girl? Or are you mooning over her from a distance? Either way, right now is the time to have a light-hearted friendship and get to know her if you can. If not, you need to be a bit firm with yourself, and put out of your mind for a while.



Your future is more important and studies come first this year, and up to Class XII. Think about it…wouldn’t you like to do well in your exams and take up a good career? It will certainly impress a girl if you work hard for your success.



 



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I get jealous when my best friend is with her



I always get jealous when my best friend is with her friend. She doesn’t talk to me because she is busy with her friend all the time. Now she doesn’t share things with me. She even ignores me sometimes. I don’t know what to do now.



You must be feeling very upset, hurt and angry that the person you consider to be your best friend doesn’t return your feelings and share things with you, but instead ignores you.



Ask your friend for time to sit and talk this through. If she agrees, then you can share your feelings and listen to what she feels as well. If she doesn’t respond, unfortunately there is nothing that you can do to make her spend time with you.



While it is important to feel the pain, but not for a long time, so you will need to deal with your feelings and also keep your self-esteem up. Use the power of your feelings to help you find out what you’re good or to become better at something you have a talent for – perhaps some sport? Art? Writing? Dramatics? You can also keep a journal of your feelings.



Also look for new friends who share your ideas and interests. The fortunate thing is that each one of us is capable of finding joy by building relationships with many different people.



 



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I always feel alone



When I was in Std VII my childhood best friend had to move away because his father was transferred. After that I entered into a relationship and then broke up. I remained upset and couldn’t decide my feelings. My mood swings became so high that I started hurting myself to remove my frustration. I always feel alone and start crying. I want my friend back. I want to get out of my loneliness and frustration and to stop hurting myself. Please help me out.



When you were in standard VII you had a “childhood best friend” and were happy. Subsequently he “had to move away because his father was transferred”. After that you started feeling upset, frustrated and lonely. You even “started hurting” yourself to remove your frustration. In your letter you do not mention anything about your family; don’t you have mother, father, brothers or sisters? Did you not feel loved and cared for by them? You are presently 14 years old and at this age your security and happiness should be in a relationship with them. Friends come and go, but family is always with you and you are never lonely. If you have lost your family, I am sure someone else is taking care of you with love. Have patience and grow in age and experience. In life we cannot always have all that we want: “I want my friend back”. After going away with his father that boy never contacted you and has moved on in his life. You too should move on; start a new good and loving relationship with people around you and your loneliness will go away.



 



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I think about him all the time



I loved a boy who was once my senior; he is three years older than me. I told him of my feelings; time passed and he started treating me like his girlfriend – fighting with me like a boyfriend, telling me he loved me and singing romantic songs to me. But one day he said that he doesn’t love me and that he already had a girlfriend who was my friend. I was completely broken but I didn’t say a word. I wanted him to be with me as I can’t end my feelings for him but he was not even ready for that. After that I had many relationships but I just couldn’t accept anyone as he was my one and only. I think about him all the time although two years have passed. I just want him back. My friends have suggested that I move on with someone who loves me. I know it was not infatuation but rather a true one-sided love. Should I forget him or should I hate him and move on with another guy? He cheated me but I still love him.



You want back at any cost a boy who plainly confessed “that he doesn’t love you” and that “he already had a girlfriend”. This made you feel “completely broken” but did not stop you from feeling that he is your “one and only” and so you “think about him all the time”. Love should be felt from both sides but you are making it a one-sided affair: “I just want him back”. Love cannot be imposed on anyone. He has made his choice and there is nothing you can do about it. Your friends are right when they tell you to “move on with someone who loves you”. Hating him will serve no purpose; it will only embitter and upset you. In due time you will find someone open to a real love relationship with you.



 



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I am indulging in social media too much



I am a 16-year-old girl and I feel that I am indulging in social media too much. Whenever I sit to study I always begin thinking about what my friends are doing on social media at that time and this makes me touch my phone repeatedly. And I start getting involved in long chats with them. This is causing a great hindrance to my studies. I have tried many times but I am unable to prevent myself from using social media. How can I lessen the use of mobile phones so that I can concentrate my time well on my studies?



You are well aware that you are “indulging in social media too much” and that this habit “is causing a great hindrance” to your studies. I am sure that your parents are not happy with your waste of time and are advising you to concentrate more on your studies. At the age of 16 you should feel responsible and serious about your duties as a student and as a child of your parents. You are acting as an addicted person who has no freedom of choice. Your love for your parents and for God should motivate you to take a firm decision about this problem. You could hand over your phone to your parents, asking them to give it to you only for a short time and for necessary calls. Remember also that it is your duty to help out at home. This will prove that you are serious about your home.



 



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I want to confess my love for him



I’m in love with a 17-year-old guy. He studies in a different school. Once I talked to him on social media, but couldn’t tell him that I love him. Initially it was just a crush, but I really don’t know how it turned into love. I want to confess my love for him. But I am scared that he will think very badly about him. Please help me in confessing my love for him. I am not able to concentrate on my studies. I think that if I tell him about my feelings I will be able to get serious with my studies. I am ready to accept whatever he replies. Please help me out.



At the age of 15 you had a crush on a 17-year-old guy and talked to him on a social media. Now you are not able to concentrate on your studies and want to “confess” your love for him. True love grows slowly and deeply in the hearts of people who care for one another, sacrifice and serve each other, always ready to forgive and trust. Love cannot just be experienced online; it has to be experienced in actions of self-sacrifice and is not going to change anything as you cannot prove your “love”. It takes months and years to build a solid and lasting love relationship. Be patient, kind, respectful and caring in relating to him. Just be a good friend to him and wait to see if he shares with you the same “feelings”. A good friendship can sometimes turn into real love.



 



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