My Science School

I love a guy who is my senior in school. I love him very much but I don’t think we can be in a relationship because after 1 year we both will leave school and go to different places. So I started ignoring him. But after a few days I started talking to him again. How can I forget about him and pay attention to my future plans?

You do not have to “forget about him” because a good friendship can exist and grow even when people cannot be physically close. Friendship and love grow from the heart and make life beautiful and worth living. Modern means of communication like the cell phone, internet, etc., make it possible for people to remain in touch and share their life and problems even when they are far away from each other. If both of you agree to continue your friendship, carry it on without fear. When you both grow up it will towards clear in which direction you should go: either towards a lasting friendship or a more close and exclusive relationship of love.

 

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I am in Std IX. I love a guy who is Std XII but he doesn’t love me. He loves someone else. At some point of time, I thought I would get over him but I can’t as I love him so very much and I meet him everyday face to face. I think he knows that I love him but he hasn’t talked about it to me ever. I love him very much. I have never told him about my feelings directly. What should I do? Should I express my feelings to him or not?

You meet every day face to face a guy you “love so much” but never had the courage to tell him about your feelings. You know that he “loves someone else” but cannot get over him. You think that he knows that you love him but he hasn’t talked about it to you. You are living a dream of love without any connection with reality. Awake from you dream and realize that love has to be borne from both sides and then only it will be experienced and shared. Respect his feelings and do not interfere with his love relationship with someone else.

 

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I am 15-year-old girl in Std IX. Every time I think that I’m comfortable with my friends something or the other disturbs our friendship. My best friend was very close to me last year, but this year she’s in another class and our bond is not as strong as before. I feel that she has started to avoid me. When I think of making new friends something stops me and reminds me of our friendship. I am very confused. By the way this in not disturbing my studies but I’m not able to take part in the co-curricular activities of school as before. Please help me.

Teenagers need to feel secure and accepted in their relationships with other teenage friends, going with the crowd and doing what they do (e.g., dress code, jargon and behaviour). When a peer relationship breaks down teenagers worry because they feel insecure and fear it may affect the rest of their life. In your situation you feel confused and insecure about what to do: “I am very confused”. You are afraid of making new friends, because your heart is still attached to your former best friend. The time has come now to open your heart and mind to new friends and build again with them the good and strong bond you had built with your former best friend. Your past experience will help you to enjoy more beautiful and lasting relationships for the rest of your life.

 

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I read your column in THE TEENAGER TODAY and I realized that I could really count on you for advice. To be honest, my life recently has been like a rollercoaster ride. I know it sounds a bit clichéd, but it’s true. I am a 15-year-old in Std X, and for me, my family has been giving me a headache and not my studies! I have realized that my mom has turned a hypocrite; I know I shouldn’t say this because she’ my mom, but it’s a fact. Recently, my coaching class had a parent-teacher meeting and my mom Googled everything about me! It was about my male friends, my boyfriends and everything! Why did she have to announce to outsiders about my personal life; why? Plus she has been pressing me to pursue a career I’m not a very studious student but also not the one who’s having supplementaries. I realized that all this is pushing me towards depression. I could seriously use your help.

You write that you have problem with your family, especially with your mother, because at a parent-teacher meeting she told them everything about your personal life including your male friends and boyfriends. Besides that, she is pressing you to pursue a career you are not interested in. do your father and other family members share this approach? Do you hare with them your plans for the future and about your friends? The fact that your mother spoke about your male friends at a parent-teacher meeting shows that she is not happy about your friendships. Speak to your father and find out if he approves what your mother said at the meeting; let him and your mother come to some agreement about you and your future. Finally, they should share with you their expectations, giving you a chance to express your personal desires. If there is no open dialogue within family it is not possible to plan your life and live in peace at home.

 

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I am good in studies but these days I can’t concentrate on them. All I can think about is my account on Facebook, my cell phone and boys. I am really worried that I will spoil my academic performance like this. I really can’t talk to my parents about this because they won’t understand me.

Your life seems to be going out of balance. While it is normal to want to connect with online friends and to have crushes at your age, excess time on only one area is like binging on your favourite food – it can make you sick. And you’re absolutely right – there will be consequences not just on academics, but also on the quality of your life if you become addicted. How will you feel if: Your academic results hit rock bottom? You lose your real friends because you chased virtual ones?

Retrain your brain! Take each important area of your life – your studies, a hobby, exercise, time with family and friends, time for social media and so on. Draw a ‘thali’ with ‘bowls’ on a paper. In each bowl place one area and how much time you will spend on it daily/during the week. Put it up on the wall and challenge yourself to stick to it. Give your cell phone to your mum at that time so you are not tempted to use it!

 

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I’m a student of Std X. I am in contact with a girl since last year, for 6 months through Facebook. I have met her several times. She is my good friend. But I feel like I’m in love with her now. Sometimes I think that I should propose to her. But at the same time I think that by doing so, I will lose my best friend. What should I do?

You are facing the classic dilemma and it isn’t easy to make this choice! So, how about not making the choice right now and letting time revel whether she is right as a friend, or as the love of your life?

Friendship is a very important component of love. It makes love last longer and stand the test of time. Once you complete your education and select your career, if you still feel for her, you can propose to her then. However, if you feel you have changed your mind, you can continue as friends and no one will be hurt.

Connecting with someone on social media and meting them can pose a safety risk. Do you know her background well? Have you met her family? It is important to be a bit cautious and avoid a future heartbreak.

 

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This year I have my Std X board exams and I know that I am not studying up to the mark. Even my parents have given up on me. Whenever I study, I start thinking about my future when I know that I need to concentrate on my present. I’ve tried to put an end to my life but failed. I told my mother about this and got the worst scolding ever. My dad is not talking to me either.

People usually think of putting an end to his/her life when they perceive that there is no hope left for the future. I am not sure what more is making you feel this way. Your what you tried to do. Perhaps the only way they knew how to express themselves at that time was to scold you or stop speaking to you. Whenever the situation you face, you have one freedom – to choose your thoughts about how you see life – and that is where your inner power is.

You have come into the world with the potential to make a difference; your future is about discovering how you can make the difference. Seek help from a school counsellor, and also help yourself: Take a blank page; the bottom write, ‘Class 10’. Draw a ladder and write the steps that come in between, as best as you can. Pin this up on your wall and turn your future into a goal, a source of excitement. Use study skills and time management to help you focus on the present and to make your studies a stepping stone to reach your goal.

 

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I’m a 16-year old girl in Class 10. I will soon appear for my board exams. But, in this final year of high school, I secured only 70% in one of my exams. In last test, I secured 81.6%. I feel my problem is my attitude; I’m not mentally strong. Today my spirits are up; tomorrow my spirits may go down. I can’t maintain consistency. Though it seems like shallow thinking sometimes I feel that the reason for this is because my sun sign is Gemini. I want to change myself completely but don’t know when I will be able to. My dad says, when we are able to know who we are, we will always have a high spirit and full faith in ourselves. How will I be able to know who I am?

You feel like you yo-yo between high and low spirits, and your dad is egging you on to make a change in yourself. Perhaps you are not quite ready for it, but your board exams will soon be here. No matter which sun sign you are, change is about bringing out the best in yourself. Start the journey of self-discovery by listing out your values, the beliefs you hold that help or prevent success, your strengths and weaknesses, your talents and your moments of success. Keep a journal to record your thoughts and changes. Reflection will deepen your thinking.

Your goal right now is academic success, so develop consistent study habits. Use study skills – mind maps, grouping things, flash cards and more. More importantly, use the 25-minute technique. Study with great focus for 25 minutes without distraction; then take a 5-minute break. Do another 25-minute slot, followed by a 10-minute break. You can do up to 4 back-to-back 25-minute slots before you take a longer break. Building consistency in one area will help you build consistency in others.

 

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I’m a very stressed person and my life is full of problems. Though I’m good in studies I want to be an English singer. I’ve many dreams in life but something is not letting me grow. Sometimes I even think of committing suicide. I’ve a childhood friend who’s a boy and we’re just friends. He’s not talking to me anymore and we just chat on Facebook. When I asked him the reason for not talking to me he said that it’s because of his board exams. What kind of a friendship is this?

You haven’t mentioned your ‘problems’, but I can see that you are very discouraged. Suicide is not a solution to problems; it is destroying your true potential, which you have not even begun to discover. Problems help you to discover your inner strength and build your character, so tackle them head-on. Take support from people who love you and whom you trust; seek help from a student counsellor. Use stress management techniques such as listening to music, exercising, prayer, doing pranayama (under guidance) and more.

If you are sure that English singing is the right dream, then asks yourself: how good you at singing? Are you formally trained? Have you recorded your voice to make a portfolio? To achieve a dream, you have to break a big dream into small steps and tackle them one step at a time.

Understandably you feel hurt that your friend isn’t paying attention to you. However, he is seems quite focused on his studies, which is great. If you are his good friend, please do support him, as the board exam year is a very important one for his future.

 

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I have a crush on a girl since I was in class 6; now I am in class 10. In class 7, I proposed to her and she said ‘yes’ but after that she did not speak to me again. When my friend asked her whether she liked me or not she commented on my looks saying, “He is not that great. I will not date him; he is very bad looking.” After that I never looked at her but one year later we were both in the same class and she tried to be friendly with me. At that time I didn’t speak to her, but now in class 10 I have a major crush on her again. What should I do to get my mind off her?

You must be quite puzzled about this girl’s behaviour and her comments about your looks must certainly have hurt. However, the writing is on the wall – she isn’t really interested, and it brings no joy when a relationship is so one-sided, don’t you agree? You have rightly identified it as a crush; so it will pass. And you can certainly help yourself by focusing on your board exams and your future career, along with some sports and relaxing hobbies to develop your personality. The journey of life has just begun and you’re sure to find someone warm and caring along the way!

 

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I am a student of Std 8. At the start of the year I had a best friend. But someone started a rumour about me and my best friend hating me. I convinced her and she said sorry. But now she has a boyfriend and a girl on his bus told her that she is in his bus so she should prioritize her. Now she is ignoring me. I feel like committing suicide.

I can see that your friend’s action has caused you deep pain. I feel really sad to read that you wish to commit suicide. For this, I urge you to speak to your school counsellor who can give you real-time support.

A friend who deserts you is no friend and it is not worth having him or her back! Naturally, you feel angry and helpless that she has turned away from you. But, at the same time, you need to let her go. You also need to feel and express your pain and anger in a safe way, through activities such as painting, sports, drama and more. Have a good cry when you need to. Grieving for what is gone is an important part of healing and will help you to later be open to making new friends without keeping hatred in your heart for the other person.

You will slowly but surely discover an inner courage and strength of character that will help you to become a better person instead of a bitter one.

 

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I am a student of Std 8. I have a friend who has a crush on my brother’s friend. She wanted to know everything about him and was forcing me to steal his phone number from my brother’s mobile. When I refused to do this, she stopped talking to me. I am confused about what I should do. I want my friend back!

I admire your strong sense of values and your firmness at refusing to steal a phone number from your brother’s mobile! On the other hand, I do see that you are very hurt that your friend stopped talking to you. That must feel awful.

Do the simplest thing. Wait a tiny bit for tempers to cool and ask to meet her – either directly, or through a trusted person. If she agrees, then have a frank talk. Acknowledge to her and empathize that you feel for her and do realise that she may have been quite desperate to talk to this boy, however, for you it did not feel right to ‘steal’ even a phone number. If she understands and accepts why you acted the way you did, and chooses to come back to the friendship, then great, otherwise sadly, you will need to accept that this friendship is at an end.

 

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I am a student of Std 8. I have a friend who has a crush on my brother’s friend. She wanted to know everything about him and was forcing me to steal his phone number from my brother’s mobile. When I refused to do this, she stopped talking to me. I am confused about what I should do. I want my friend back!

I admire your strong sense of values and your firmness at refusing to steal a phone number from your brother’s mobile! On the other hand, I do see that you are very hurt that your friend stopped talking to you. That must feel awful.

Do the simplest thing. Wait a tiny bit for tempers to cool and ask to meet her – either directly, or through a trusted person. If she agrees, then have a frank talk. Acknowledge to her and empathize that you feel for her and do realise that she may have been quite desperate to talk to this boy, however, for you it did not feel right to ‘steal’ even a phone number. If she understands and accepts why you acted the way you did, and chooses to come back to the friendship, then great, otherwise sadly, you will need to accept that this friendship is at an end.

 

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My problem is that I feel very nervous in everything I do. When guests come to my house I hide as I am not able to talk face to face; nor can I speak in public. Although my classmates like to talk with me, I have no courage to speak to them, especially with girls. I am very confused and upset. How can I overcome this situation?

Sounds like you are very nervous and anxious, especially in social situations. It must be quite distressing for you to feel this way each time you have to interact with others.

Your beliefs influence your thoughts, then your feelings, and hen your behaviour. So, tackle the beliefs that bring you down. Do you believe you are not good enough? You’re boring? Challenge this belief. Ask, ‘Am I really boring? Is there any proof for this?’

A smile is a good way to connect with people. Try it first with people who won’t make fun of you. When you feel a bit confident, start greeting them with a ‘Hello, how are you?’ Then start sitting with friends or family in a group and be a part of it by simply listening to what others have to say and by nodding to acknowledge. Participating in a conversation is not always about speaking. When you feel courageous, add a small point.

Support yourself by practicing breathing and relaxation exercises, and make sure you exercise every day.

If these don’t work and you still feel anxious, please do approach your school counsellor for real-time help.

 

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I am in class 11 and I have had a boyfriend since class 7. We both really love each other. We live in different cities now because of our studies. Due to this we spend a lot of time thinking about each other and we are not able to concentrate on our studies. We are both very good in studies but now we are getting fewer marks in our academics. Because of this we tried to break our relationship but it is very difficult for us. What should we do so that we can concentrate on our studies without ending our relationship?

Both you and your boyfriend seem to be quite discouraged about being separated from each other. From your letter, I assume that you are in touch with each other quite regularly.

Ask yourself: what is the most important thing at this moment? Is it studies? Or is it relationship? If you both do badly at academics, what will happen to your possible future together?

So, take an up-side-down view and turn a disadvantage into strength! Champion each other on instead of mooning away! Both of you can set weekly goals for your studies; then, share the goals with each other and have an agreement to focus on studies. At the end of the week, check with each other to find out whether you have achieved your study goal. If you haven’t, share ideas about how to study better and how to overcome difficulties. If you have, then you can celebrate and continue to work this way.

Love is about friendship, which is also about supporting each other to succeed. Give each other a virtual high five!

 

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