Why are my children so different from each other?


Children in the same family can be strikingly different. Parents may believe they’re raising their children in similar ways, yet the children have very different personalities, abilities, and interests. Why?



Naturally, heredity plays a major role in determining temperament and abilities. One child in a family may be easygoing by nature, another more sensitive. One may have athletic ability, while another is intellectually inclined.



Gender affects personality differences as well. Boys and girls frequently have different interests and activity levels although each may become strongly involved in activities stereotypically associated with the opposite sex. In addition, kids often imitate what they see, and if parents have very different interests and personalities, one child may imitate her mother while the other follows her father.



The way parents treat their children has a major impact on the development of personality, interests, and abilities. Parents shape and steer their child in many ways, both consciously and unconsciously. They may encourage musical talent while ignoring mechanical ability; they may inadvertently stifle creativity or individuality while urging their child to “be good.” They may offer her nurturing role models or help her become a leader.



Within a family, each child’s experience is unique. For instance, a first-born receives a lot of attention during her years as the only child. However, because her parents are inexperienced, they may be cautious, demanding, and nervous at the same time that they’re loving and proud. Parents are usually more relaxed and lenient with their younger children.



There are other circumstances that lead parents to treat their children differently, often with negative results. One child may have a temperamental characteristic that unhappily reminds her parents of something in themselves or another relative. Parents don’t like seeing familiar negative characteristics reflected in their child and may wish—or pressure—her to be different.



The resemblance can be something specific. A parent with a strong temper may single out a child with a similar personality: “Your loud mouth will get you in trouble.” The parent who has negative feelings about himself may treat the child who is like him more harshly than he treats his other children.



The resemblance also can be general. A child might simply be a reminder to her parents that they (and she) are not as aggressive, talented, or intelligent as they would like to be. One parent, talking to his spouse about their child, said, “She’s stubborn, just like you.”



If one child physically resembles a parent or other relative in a way that makes parents uncomfortable, they may voice their displeasure: “Your hair is so thin, just like my sister’s.” “You have ears like your mother.” “You’re chunky like me.” More often parents don’t mention their feelings aloud, yet still may be bothered by aspects of their child’s appearance.



The child who is the unfortunate target of such comments will feel unhappy and singled out among her siblings. If she hears these messages often enough, she’ll internalize them: “I’m not smart.” “I’m not pretty.” “I’m not good at sports.” She may behave as though what she’s heard is true. Her siblings, who have escaped their parents’ criticism, will not have such negative self-images.



Siblings also may develop strong differences if one seems to be favored by her parents. For example, if parents believe one child is prettier than the other and express that belief to both, one will grow up feeling worthwhile while the other will feel less valued and less attractive.



Sometimes parents focus too much attention, time, or money on one child; this can have a negative impact on the other children in the family. If a child sees her brother receive attention and praise for his athletic ability, she will look for a way to get attention for herself. She may try to compete with him, but that’s unlikely if she feels she can’t match him. Rather than risks having her parents compare her performance to his, she may give up on sports altogether.



Instead, she’ll try to find another way to distinguish herself. She may try art or dancing or develop a charming or funny manner. However, if she can’t get enough positive attention from her parents, she might seek negative attention, perhaps developing a behavioral problem at home and school. The unhappier she becomes, the more likely she is to become careless with her schoolwork, family, and peers, and the less likely she’ll be to get positive feedback from her parents. Her experience will be very different from her sibling’s.



Parents sometimes deliberately steer their kids in different directions, often to avoid possible conflicts and competition. If an older child enrolls in dance class, her parents may discourage her younger sibling from doing the same for fear one will outshine the other. Some parents were raised in competitive households and want to spare their children the experience of failing to match a sibling. However, when parents keep one child from pursuing her interest, they rob her of a chance for enjoyment and accomplishment.



Siblings can successfully participate in the same activities as long as their parents don’t focus on competition between them or praise one and not the other. Even if one is better, there will always be something good to say about each. Both should be encouraged.



Although it’s intriguing and important to consider the differences between your children, it’s also important to deal with the differences carefully. Accept each as she is, nurture her, and encourage her to pursue activities that she enjoys and is good at. Don’t push and pull her in directions she can’t or doesn’t want to go. Remember not to compare your children out loud. They’ll hear your comparisons as judgments, and one will end up feeling superior or inferior to the other.



It’s natural to feel disappointed in your children at times: “He’s not the ball player I’d hoped he’d be.” “I wish she’d been a boy.” “I wish she were more sociable.” Try to accept what disappoints you. It’s emotionally unhealthy for your children to hear your negative evaluations. They’ll wonder, “What’s wrong with me?” “Why couldn’t I be like my sister?”



The best way to treat differences is matter-of-factly and with respect: “Sam enjoys reading.” “Julie likes gymnastics.” Your kids will be affected throughout their lives by the way you view them. If you set the right tone, they’ll follow your lead and learn to appreciate and accept differences as a natural part of life. As a result, they’ll grow up feeling good about their siblings and themselves.



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How can I enhance my child’s self-image?


Parents spend a great deal of time worrying about being consistent (“Should I always enforce family rules? Should I give in after I’ve said no?”), but there’s really only one thing they have to be absolutely consistent about - letting their child know he’s loved, valued, and important. A child who grows up hearing that message will develop a healthy self-image. A child who doesn’t will have negative feelings about himself.



Parents can’t compromise when it comes to giving their child feedback about his basic nature and worth. He needs to hear again and again that his parents accept him as he is, with his strengths and weaknesses, personality, interests, and appearance. Parents should encourage their child to feel good about himself and his capabilities.



That doesn’t mean parents shouldn’t show anger and disappointment when their child misbehaves. Parents have to set limits and tell their child what they expect. In fact, when they do set limits, they let him know they care a great deal about him and the way he acts.



However, there’s a big difference between expressing disapproval of misbehavior and expressing general disapproval of a child. For whatever reasons, some parents have a hard time accepting their child. They may have unrealistically high expectations and, as a result, constantly feel that he is failing. They themselves may have received negative messages as children and may now unconsciously treat their child as they were treated.



Some parents appear to favor one of their children over another. Although it may be easy to say, “I wish you were more like your brother,” or, “I wish you did as well in science as your sister,” parents should recognize the harm such statements cause. Rather than motivate a child to do better, these comparisons, with their implied put-downs, make him feel bad about himself and angry. He may only be motivated to get back at the sibling who seems to enjoy more parental approval.



To see how important feedback is to self-image, consider the way you were treated as a child. If your parents valued you as a lovable, worthwhile person, you probably entered adulthood feeling good about yourself. If you received negative messages, you’ve probably struggled at times with a poor self-image.



What your child needs from you is acceptance, praise, and compliments on his strengths. If he never seems to please you, reconsider your expectations. They may be too high, or your parenting style may be too demanding and high-pressured. You may find that, by being more realistic, you’re better able to accept him as he is and give consistent, positive messages.



As you think about his self-concept, you may be worried if he’s shy. It’s a common belief that a shy child has a negative self-image, but that’s often not the case. Many children who are reserved by nature are as confident as their more outgoing peers. One teacher told a parent, “You daughter may be quiet, but she’s certainly confident when it comes to doing her work and making friends.” Let your shy child know that you love him as much as you love his more extroverted siblings, and that he has as much to offer. As a result, he’ll develop a healthy self-image.



A child with low self-esteem will exhibit a number of symptoms. Rather than say he feels bad about himself, he might struggle with friendships, compete excessively with peers and siblings, misbehave, and not work up to his ability in school.



If you’re concerned about his self-image or have questions about the impact your attitudes have on him, talk to a school counselor or therapist. It’s much easier to resolve a child’s negative feelings when he’s young than it is to wait until the adolescent years.



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Am I spoiling my child?


All children occasionally act in selfish, spoiled ways. They make demands without consideration for people or circumstances: “Why can’t I have Barbie with the beach clothes now?” Still, most six- to nine-year-olds, most of the time, have reasonable expectations and, are learning to think about other people’s feelings and needs. “Spoiled” children are the ones who remain almost totally self-centered and focused on their own desires, possessions, and activities.



A child who’s constantly overindulged often will act spoiled. She might be so used to getting her way that she feels entitled to do as she wishes. This can happen if parents fail to set limits on her behavior, or fail to follow through when she acts in unacceptable ways.



She also can be overindulged with material objects. Owning many toys does not necessarily make her spoiled; children with lots of possessions can be loving and considerate. However, if parents constantly give without reinforcing positive values, they may unconsciously encourage their child to behave in socially unacceptable ways. She may come to expect more and more and find that what she already owns has little meaning.



Some parents have a hard time controlling their buying. They may enjoy giving to their child or feel that buying presents is the only way to please her. Some parents give out of guilt—they may not offer their child the attention she needs, so they buy gifts instead. Even when parents know they’re overindulging her, they may rationalize their actions: “She’s only a kid for a short time.” “Why not? We can afford it.”



The danger in continually overindulging a child is that she might come to expect it. She may grow up unable to handle disappointment or tolerate situations that don’t go her way. Since parents want their child to become a caring, strong person capable of taking care of herself, they should avoid treating her in overindulgent ways.



They should set limits on her negative behavior. They should act as positive role models, showing her how to graciously accept and offer kindness, and how to deal with disappointment. Although it’s not always easy, they should teach her to appreciate what she has, respect friends and siblings, find pleasure in learning and physical activity, and consider those more needy than she. If she grows up with basic values, she won’t act spoiled no matter how many possessions she has.



If you feel your child is becoming too self-centered, evaluate your relationship with her. Are you spending as much time as you should together? Are you available to hear about her needs, ideas, and worries?



If you believe that you buy her too many things, gradually cut back so both you and she can get used to a new level of giving. Although you may be disappointed with her attitude, avoid labeling her “spoiled.” She may act more selfish than you’d like, but she has good traits that may be overshadowed if you concentrate on one negative characteristic. Instead, talk about areas she needs help with: “I want you to take better care of your toys.” “I’d like you to stop interrupting your sister.” “You need to be more accepting when things don’t go your way.” If you do this, she may be less defensive and more willing to change.



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Is it normal for my child to speak rudely to me when he’s angry?


“Be quiet, Dad. You never let me do anything!”



“I wish Seth’s mom was my mother. She lets him stay up late.”



“You’re not fair! Leave me alone!”



When a child is allowed to spontaneously express his anger, he may say rude, hurtful things without considering his parents’ feelings. In the heat of the moment, he can forget all they do for him. He also may ignore their attempts to reason with him. While one father was telling his daughter why she couldn’t go outside after dinner, she was writing an angry note: “Dear Dad, other kids get to do things they want. I’m so mad at you. I’m never talking to you again.”



Anger at parents is a normal part of growing up. Learning how to express negative feelings in socially acceptable ways takes time. It also takes patience on the part of parents. Yet many parents react harshly to their child’s rudeness: “Don’t you dare talk to me that way!” “I don’t want to hear that tone of voice.” If parents overreact toward their child for his disrespectful words, he may learn that feeling angry is bad and that angry thought shouldn’t be spoken. A child who isn’t allowed to show his feelings may never learn to express anger appropriately.



While some parents overreact, others feel helpless when faced with outbursts: “Should we allow this behavior?” “Why does he talk this way?” “Am I setting enough limits?” Many parents grew up with strong restrictions on their speech: “Don’t ever say that again. It’s not nice.” They may be reluctant to impose similar controls on their child’s expressions of anger, yet they feel uncomfortable listening to him say things they would never have said as children.



Your child needs a chance to speak his angry thoughts, but you also need to put limits on how he expresses himself. If certain words or attitudes are unacceptable to you, tell him: “It’s all right for you to be mad at me, but you’ll have to change your tone of voice.” “When you stop name-calling, I’ll be happy to listen to you.” “I don’t like it when you talk to me that way.” “You’ll have to find another way to tell me about being angry.” Not only do such statements guide him toward better ways of expressing anger, but they demonstrate a respectful way of communicating that you’d eventually like him to adopt.



If, as often happens, you can’t respond calmly when he’s rude, walk away or get involved in another activity. Save your discussion for later. Eventually his anger will subside, even if he doesn’t get what he originally wanted. His angry words will have helped him release his feelings. And since anger doesn’t feel good for very long, once he has expressed himself he may quickly become friendly again.



As you help him control the way he speaks to you, consider his age; a six- or seven-year-old lacks the communication skills of an eight- or nine-year-old. Also, remember that he is greatly influenced by your behavior. If you expect him to speak respectfully, offer examples. Don’t say, “Get over here this minute!” “Stop acting like a baby.” “Don’t be stupid.” Instead, treat him as you would like him to treat others.



He allows his anger to surface because he trusts you’ll love him in spite of his temper and words. Both he and you desire to live in harmony. With patience, limits, and guidance, he should learn to express most of his feelings appropriately. However, if you become concerned that he can’t control his anger, consider seeking outside help such as a parenting class. The way you treat this issue now will set the tone for communication with your child later during his teenage years.



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My child seems self-centered. What should I do?


By the time a child is in elementary school, her parents and teachers expect her to be considerate of others. Over the years they’ve spent a great deal of time (usually unsuccessfully) reinforcing the need to be thoughtful. During those early years, however, the child was developmentally egocentric and therefore incapable of considering other people’s points of view. Now, she’s old enough to understand, yet she may continue to seem self-centered and selfish, leaving her parents to feel they’ve failed: “How did we create a child who only cares about herself?”



A look at typical behavior may help parents see that it takes a long time for children to become consistently thoughtful. Many six- to nine-year-olds continue to act, at times, in self-centered ways. They can be uncaring to each other, particularly verbally: “You don’t know how to jump rope.” “You think you know everything.” “I don’t want to play with you!” They sometimes make themselves feel better by putting others down.



They may form groups that thoughtlessly exclude others. Sometimes a leader is chosen who assigns tasks and roles to a lucky few and tells everyone else they can’t play. Some groups pick on a particular child, seemingly oblivious to the misery they cause.



Children also continue to show self-centered behavior when they become overly competitive. As soon as one child finishes describing her plans or possessions, another may counter with something (real or made up) that is much bigger and better.



Kids don’t confine their selfishness to peers. At home, parents hear, “You’re the worst Mom in the world.” At times, their child may expect kindness but offers little back. She may also hurt her siblings’ feelings and exclude them: “You can’t play with us when my friends are over.”



Why do children act this way when their parents try so hard to teach them thoughtfulness? Development is gradual, but by the time they enter elementary school, most have come a long way from the self-centered behavior of preschoolers.



Parents often set high standards and demand that their child act in mature ways before she’s ready. It’s right and appropriate that parents expect her to be considerate, but it’s unrealistic to assume that an early elementary-aged child will be considerate all the time.



If parents are concerned about their child’s selfishness, they should look not just at isolated incidents, but at her overall pattern of behavior at home, school, and while visiting others. Does she generally think about other people’s feelings? When her parents remind her about being considerate, does she listen? Does she play what her friends want her to? Is she tolerant of her friends’ views? Is she interested in other children’s ideas? Does she share? Does she display appropriate manners with adults outside the family? If parents can answer, “Yes, most of the time,” for an eight- or nine-year-old, or, “Yes, often,” for a six- or seven-year-old, their child is on the right track.



When they’re worried, they can talk to their child’s teacher. A child, who seems self-centered at home, where she feels most comfortable, may be quite considerate with teachers and peers at school. If that’s the case, parents can relax. Their message is getting through and she’s learning to think of others.



Parents can learn more about her behavior by observing other kids of the same age. A particularly good way to do this is by accompanying a class field trip. When parents see how other children act, they gain insight and understanding and can better judge how self-centered their own child is compared with her peers.



When you observe her acting in self-centered ways, let her know what you expect. She learns by listening to you and watching you. Place firm limits on her selfish behavior: “I won’t allow you to talk to your friend that way.” “If you want to talk to me, you’ll have to change your tone.”



Have a calm discussion with her (this will be more successful with your seven- to nine- year- old then with a six-year-old). Explain how you’d like her to behave toward others and let her express her positive and negative feelings. When she believes you’re listening, she’ll be more likely to hear and absorb what you have to say. Role-playing can be effective. You should take her part and let her play the role of another child. When you say, “No, I won’t play with you,” ask how that makes her feel. Then, still role-playing, try to find solutions: “Is there something we can play together?” “Would you like to play ball with me?”



Remember to be thoughtful and considerate yourself. In interactions with your child, your spouse, and others, be respectful so she’ll have appropriate behavior to imitate. Encourage her to help others. She can occasionally contribute part of her allowance to charity, go with you to buy groceries for a bed-ridden neighbor, or help pick out toys and food for the needy.



Praise her when she thinks about other people and let her know how much you love her. A child who fails to live up to her parents expectations feels unsuccessful and may misbehave out of frustration. A child who feels good about herself is comfortable extending herself to others in a caring way.



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How should I deal with profanity?


Children are familiar with curse words. They learn them from peers, siblings, and parents and they hear them on TV and at the movies. They partly experiment with these words to see the effects on playmates and parents. They whisper the words on the playground and tell stories about kids who got in trouble for saying bad things. Using profanity makes a child feel “tough” and grown up. It can also impress his friends and make him feel part of his peer group.



While most kids are interested in profanity, they also know that it’s unacceptable. They’ve heard their parents’ warnings. They often tattle on each other: “Phillip called me the 'B' word today!” “Anton said a dirty word!” They certainly wouldn’t use curse words with teachers, and they rarely would with other adults outside the home.



They do, however, occasionally use profanity in their own homes, often in the same ways that adults do, to show anger and frustration. Unlike adults, though, kids say curse words infrequently, quietly, and with a guilty look that shows they know they’re doing something wrong. As long as parents see those signs of guilt, they shouldn’t worry about their child’ profanity. He’s only trying out the words.



Some parents accept the occasional curse word at home, considering their child’s experimentation harmless. Others won’t allow any profanity in their home. Whatever your feelings, be assured that, as long as he knows profanity is unacceptable, you have no cause for alarm. If, however, he shows no signs of guilt about using curse words, or uses such words frequently, you should give more thought to the issue.



He may use profanity because he needs more positive attention than he’s getting from you and his friends. Cursing is a way of getting noticed, and to a child who feels neglected, negative attention is better than none at all. He also might be using profanity because you aren't giving him a clear enough message that it’s wrong. Set firm limits on his use of curse words and follow through if he ignores your warnings.



There’s one more reason your child may use excessive profanity—he may hear you use it so often that it seems natural to him. In order to stop him, you have to monitor your own language and act as a model for him.



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What can I do about lying?


Parents spend a lot of time teaching their children to tell the truth. Most early elementary-aged children have learned not to tell serious lies, although they may continue to exaggerate and tell “little white lies.”



A number of factors help children learn to be truthful. First, most parents put strong limits on lying. Second, kids find that the consequences of lying include the temporary loss of parental acceptance and affection. Since they care very much about pleasing their parents, they’re reluctant to risk losing their approval. Third, when children know lying is wrong they feel guilty about doing it. Guilt is an uncomfortable feeling and a strong deterrent to negative behavior. Kids also resist lying when they discover it doesn’t get them what they hoped it would. And finally, they learn to be honest when the consequences of lying are worse than the consequences of telling the truth.



All children distort the truth to some extent, usually in minor ways. After all, they’re exposed daily to examples of questionable honesty. Parents say, “I’ll be off the phone in a minute,” and then they talk half an hour longer. Teachers say, “I’ll get to you soon,” but they leave the child waiting. Television commercials promise exciting toys, but children discover that the products don’t actually work or meet expectations. After watching a commercial, one child said, “They’re lying about what that doll does and you’re not supposed to lie.” They also hear adults telling intentional white lies and offering false excuses: “I’m so sorry I can’t make the meeting tonight, but I’m not feeling well,” or, “Sorry officer, I wasn’t aware I was speeding.”



The “minor” lies children tell often involved things they don’t want to do, such as brush their teeth or take a shower. A child will say, “Yes, I washed my hands,” when she hasn’t. Kids also commonly lie when confronted with open-ended questions from teachers or other authority figures (“Jason, were you playing around?” “Maria, are you wasting time over there?”). Many children will answer “No” because they hope to avoid a reprimand and believe they won’t get in trouble for lying in such a situation. The teacher will usually respond to a child’s “No” with only a reminder (“You need to get back to work,”) or the offer of a distraction (“You should start on your art project now.”).



Another common sort of lying occurs among peers. One child exaggerates or lies about her possessions because she wants to have the same things her friends have. She lies to give herself a sense of belonging. Others lie out of a competitive desire to impress their peers. Parents often overhear six- to nine-year-old making outrageous claims about their possessions and abilities. Sometimes such fibs lead to fights. The threat of losing friends may be enough to make a child tell the truth.



Although most children distort the truth occasionally, some continue to tell serious, frequent lies. They may do this because they find their parents’ discipline too threatening. If the consequences of misbehaving are very harsh, a child will lie to avoid them. And if parents impose heavy punishments for lying about the misbehavior, she may be even more afraid to admit the truth. She may reason that it’s better to lie on the chance that she’ll get away with it than to tell the truth and face certain, severe punishment. When she is confronted with her misbehavior and her lie, she may still refuse to tell the truth because the consequences are too frightening. She may instead blame a sibling or friend rather than face the inevitable confrontation. Basically, she tries to protect herself by denying the facts.



Parents whose child lies out of fear need to reevaluate the discipline they’re imposing. If they can deal with their child less harshly, she may eventually feel safe enough to tell the truth. They should continue to set limits and consequences for lying, but the limits and consequences have to be fair. If they’re excessive, she will continue to view lying as the better alternative.



Parents, of course, often find themselves in a bind. They want to punish misbehavior and reward honesty. But if their child is honest about misbehaving, the end result, from the child’s point of view, is negative. She still has to face the consequences. Parents have to handle this dilemma by evaluating each situation separately and making a special point of reinforcing honesty.



The way you talk to your child about lying is important. Instead of angrily shouting, “You’re lying again!” show some understanding of her position. Say, for example, “1 think you made up that story because you were afraid I’d get mad at you,” or, “Sometimes people don’t tell the truth because they’re worried about, getting in trouble,” or, “I think you lied because you thought, 1 wouldn’t let, you go to your friend’s birthday party.” if you’ve been overly harsh in your punishment, discuss that with her. Tell her you realize you’ve been getting too upset. Say, “I should be more patient with you.” She needs reassurance that you can accept the truth without, becoming excessively angry.



If you’ve eased up on your reactions and she’s still lying, look at other aspects of her life. Is she having problems in school? Is she able to make friends? Is she getting enough positive attention at home? Observe her at play and ask her teacher for observations and suggestions. Tell your child what you expect of her and talk about the effects her lies have on other children. As long as her lying isn’t excessive, you don’t need to worry. Just watch her behavior, reinforce examples of honesty, and continue talking about telling the truth.



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Why is my child so aggressive?


Aggression can be a positive or a negative trait in children, depending on how it’s channeled. Some aggressive kids start fights, while others put their energy into sports and hobbies. An aggressive child may be adventurous, taking risks and making discoveries, or he may be merely reckless. He may excel in school by putting extra effort into all his work or he may do poorly in school because of bad behavior.



Parents don’t worry about a child who is positively aggressive. He will be rewarded for his energy, enthusiasm, and drive. What parents do worry about is a child who, at six to nine years old, is belligerent and offensive to others.



Children who were aggressive as preschoolers often show less negative behavior as they get older because their energy is focused on school, friends, play, and organized activities. Still, many early elementary-aged children show occasional aggression and some are consistently rough. Parents need to watch and carefully control children’s aggressive behavior.



First, they should clearly tell their child what is and isn’t appropriate. A child doesn’t know how to act if his parents send confusing messages. Some try to excuse their child’s aggression by saying, ‘Oh, that’s just how boys act,” or, “At least he doesn’t hide his feelings.” Such attitudes don’t teach him that his negative behavior is unacceptable.



Instead of being ambiguous, they should tell him that fighting, hitting, and using abusive language is unacceptable: “I absolutely won’t allow you to behave that way.” Parents also should state the consequences of negative behavior so he knows what to expect: “If you treat Nick roughly, you’ll have to come inside.”



It’s important for parents to find the source of their child’s aggression. He may be copying abuses he sees or receives at home. If parents fight with each other, their child may fight with his siblings or peers, either to imitate his parents or to alleviate his feelings of fear, anger, and helplessness. If he doesn’t believe he can get away with open fighting, he might become sneaky about it. And if he feels his parents won’t listen to his feelings or change the way they treat him, he may act out his frustration in aggressive ways.



Some children are aggressive due to problems at school or because they generally feel inferior. They attack others to feel more powerful. Siblings sometimes fight because they think they’re being treated unfairly or because their parents actually do treat them in ways that encourage aggression, perhaps by favoring one or belittling another. The roots of aggression are sometimes difficult to find. If aggressive behavior continues over a long period, parents may need the guidance of a professional counselor.



In most cases, however, positive action taken by parents is enough to help a child control his behavior. They can offer him alternative ways to release his aggressive feelings and they can become role models for him.



If your child has a lot of aggressive energy, involve him in activities such as gymnastics, soccer, basketball, or another sport that will offer him a natural physical release for his emotions. When he’s angry, he can’t hit a friend, but he can kick a ball.



Talk to him about acceptable ways to express his feelings: “When you’re angry enough to hit your brother, you have to let him know with words, not actions. Tell him what’s making you so mad.” “If you feel yourself getting out of control, don’t hit—come to me for help.”



Let him see how you handle aggressive feelings in your own life. Show him how you talk out your problems, take time to cool off, or go for a walk until you feel calm. Kids imitate their parents and, if you can model appropriate behavior, he will learn from you.



Watch as he interacts with others. He may be aggressive in a playful way, tugging on a friend’s shirt, teasing, pretending to be in a wrestling match, or calling out insults. If the aggression seems benign, don’t interfere. But such behavior can escalate, and even if the tone stays playful, your child’s aggression can become very annoying to others. If you see that happening, firmly step in: “Suzanne doesn’t want you to push her like that.”



You can try to distract him and his friends with a new activity or different topic of conversation: “Come on in for a snack,” “Why don’t you show Sandy your new game?” “What did you think of the movie you saw last night?”



If distraction doesn’t work, you have to take control. Place limits on his aggressive behavior and tell him you expect him to change the way he acts with his friends. The combination of your anger and your ground rules – “No rough play or hitting” - may help him moderate his actions.



He may simply not yet have the inner controls to halt his aggressive behavior. That may be true even if he wants to change the way he acts. Until he acquires control, he will need you to offer guidelines and set limits.



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How do I handle discipline?


Disciplining is a difficult job that gets a little easier when children reach the early elementary years. Six- to nine-year-olds have integrated many of the rules they’ve heard over and over, and they usually behave in socially acceptable ways. As they get older, they need fewer reminders, their impulsive exploration slows down, and they give more thought to what they’re doing. They also become more capable of listening to reason. Parents of a six- to nine-year-old can reasonably expect her to consider other people’s feelings, behave well in public, give of herself, and share with others.



Of course, the need for discipline continues. The purpose is to get children thinking about their misbehavior so they won’t repeatedly do things they shouldn’t. Setting limits is still one of parents’ major responsibilities. Unfortunately, some parents don’t deal with their child’s misbehavior. They may be overwhelmed by their own stressful situations or feel they can’t control her and thus give up trying. Other parents don’t discipline because they’re afraid of making their child unhappy or angrier and more unmanageable. Whatever the reasons, parents who don’t set limits do their child a great disservice. They also reinforce unacceptable behavior as she quickly learns she can act as she wants without significant rebuke or punishment.



All parents must set limits. Kids need to know what is and isn’t acceptable and that there are consequences for bad actions. The consequences don’t always have to involve punishment. Often, kids feel a surge of guilt over wrongdoing: “It really was an accident. I’m sorry - I didn’t mean to do it.” Such uncomfortable feelings may keep a child from repeating certain actions. Her parents can say, “I see you feel bad about what happened on the playground; now remember to play more carefully.” When the child’s guilty feelings don’t deter her from misbehavior, her parents have to state the consequences: “If you don’t stop fighting with Cara, you’ll have to go to your room.” Depending on the nature of her actions, the consequences can be stronger: “If this continues, you can’t play with your friends after school.” Parents usually know which disciplinary methods work best. Taking privileges away from one child might be effective, while another just needs to hear the threat. Some children respond best to being separated from the family for a “time out” in another room.



Many adults use the same disciplinary methods their own parents used: “They spanked me and I turned out OK. Why shouldn’t I do the same to my child?” Yet, if parents remember the feelings they once had - especially humiliation and resentment - they may recognize that there are better ways to discipline children. They should not follow the examples of their own pasts if the examples include spanking, slapping, or verbal abuse.



Effective discipline is neither harsh nor lenient. Harsh punishment, including spanking and other physical punishment, makes children angry and resentful. They aren’t motivated to change their behavior, only to sneak and manipulate and try to get away with more misbehavior. They’ll think about the unfairness of the punishment rather than their own actions. At the other extreme, discipline that’s too lenient is ineffective. A chronically misbehaving child who only has to say a fast “I’m sorry” or tolerate a brief, easy punishment, won’t learn to control her misbehavior. Parents shouldn’t be too quick to forgive and to renew their child’s privileges.



Kids may misbehave because they want more attention paid to their words, interests, and activities. A child who feels left out or unconnected - perhaps because of family problems, a new baby at home, sibling rivalry, or a mother’s return to work - may seek negative attention if that’s all she can get. For example, one sibling may fight frequently with her brother because she feels he gets more of their parents’ time. Then her anger and jealousy might be directed at him.



Sometimes children act out their frustration and sense of helplessness by misbehaving because they’re unhappy, insecure, or unsuccessful in school. In such a situation, parents should talk with the teacher, consider tutoring, offer more encouragement, and closely monitor their child’s progress and behavior.



As you discipline your child, you should look for the source of her misbehavior; otherwise, you’ll spend time treating the symptoms rather than the cause of the problem. You may see dramatic changes in behavior when you give your child more time and positive attention or when you address situations that are troubling for her: a difficult school year, problems with friends, uneasy sibling relationships.



If you’re unhappy with your child’s behavior, set limits, of course, but also talk to her. When she shares her feelings about specific problems you’ll gain insight into her behavior. You also can reason with her: “When you act that way, Matthew feels left out. I don’t think you’d feel good if you were in his position.” Ask, “What can you do to change your behavior?”



Be flexible and give encouragement and praise to reinforce positive actions. If you worry about how her behavior is viewed by other adults, take comfort in the fact that kids who misbehave at home often don’t misbehave when they’re out. More struggles take place between parent and child than between child and peers or child and other adults. A child who says, “You’re mean!” to her parents usually knows it’s unacceptable to say that to her teacher or her friends’ parents. All people act and express themselves differently in the comfort of their homes.



Discipline is a difficult issue. If you’re concerned about your child’s behavior or unsure of your own ability to set limits, take parenting classes on discipline or consult with a professional who understands child development. Such specialists can help guide you in the appropriate direction.




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What are urban areas?



An urban area is the region surrounding a city. Most inhabitants of urban areas have non agricultural jobs. Urban areas are very developed, meaning there is a density of human structures such as houses, commercial buildings, roads, bridges, and railways.



"Urban area" can refer to towns, cities, and suburbs. An urban area includes the city itself, as well as the surrounding areas. Many urban areas are called metropolitan areas, or "greater," as in Greater New York or Greater London.



When two or more metropolitan areas grow until they combine, the result may be known as a megalopolis. In the United States, the urban area of Boston, Massachusetts, eventually spread as far south as Washington, D.C., creating the megalopolis of BosWash, or the Northeast Corridor.



Settlements:



Settlement refers to the physical spaces and environments in which households are sheltered, and how one shelter relates to others. The term is generally used in the context of displaced populations to describe the temporary or sometimes permanent living arrangements of displaced families. In this context settlements can range from planned camps to dispersed accommodation in host villages/neighbourhoods, collective centres, spontaneous camps, rental accommodation, etc.



An urban settlement is where displaced populations settle within an urban agglomeration such as a town or city. A master plan usually divides towns or cities into zones regulated by norms based on specific sectors such as housing, hygiene, habitat, and environment. Zones are inclusive of residential areas, services and infrastructures, and spaces for administrative, commercial and industrial activities.



 Facilities:



Usually, there are lots of shops, schools, libraries, and hospitals. There may also be sports centres and swimming pools. The land uses and buildings that are used to serve the educational purposes of the community. These facilities very often have a secondary function of providing a location for social and recreational activities of the community. Health category of urban object includes all facilities where medical treatment of some form is offered. For example, it would include a local GP clinic or a city hospital. This category is, however, not limited to clinical or medical healthcare, it includes all object related to the diagnosis, treatment and rehabilitation of people with sickness or illness. Buildings and facilities relating to government departments or entities. This would include, for example administration office associated with a government department or agency, police and fire services stations, etc. For the purposes of Urban Securipedia, government assets do not extend to recreational services or utilities such as water/waste/energy infrastructure or facilities.



 Population:



In many countries, most of the populations now live in towns and cities. This is because there are plenty of jobs and houses there. In the mid 1800s, only 2% of the entire human population lived in urban areas. By the 1950's, the percentage of the human population living in urban areas was up to around 29%, and by 2009, that number had reached 50%. This number is expected to increase rapidly and by 2050, it is predicted that over 70% of the human population will live in urban areas.



Transport:



 Most towns and cities have good transport links. These include roads for buses and cars, railways, and airports. Travel is necessary to engage in spatially dispersed activities such as work, shopping, visits to friends, etc. In economic terms, travel is an intermediate good, because demand for travel is derived from the demand for other spatially separated goods and services. Thus, one travels in order to engage in work or to do shopping or see a film. Apart from sightseeing and some types of holiday, rarely do people travel simply for the sheer pleasure of the trip.



 



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What are rural areas?



A rural area is an open swath of land that has few homes or other buildings, and not very many people. 



A rural areas population density is very low. Many people live in a city, or urban area. Their homes and businesses are located very close to one another. In a rural area, there are fewer people, and their homes and businesses are located far away from one another.



Agriculture is the primary industry in most rural areas. Most people live or work on farms or ranches. Hamlets, villages, towns, and other small settlements are in or surrounded by rural areas. 



Wildlife is more frequently found in rural areas than in cities because of the absence of people and buildings. In fact, rural areas are often called the country because residents can see and interact with the country's native wildlife.



Throughout the world, more people live in rural areas than in urban areas. This has been changing rapidly, however. Urbanization is happening all over the world. In Asia, for example, the United Nations estimates that the urban population will increase by almost 2 billion by 2050. 



Open spaces:



These are common in rural areas. Some are conservation areas that are specially protected. The purpose of an open space reserve may include the preservation or conservation of a community or region's rural natural or historic character; the conservation or preservation of a land or water area for the sake of recreational, ecological, environmental, aesthetic, or agricultural interests; or the management of a community or region's growth in terms of development, industry, or natural resources extraction.



Facilities:



Rural areas often have few or no shops, hospitals, or post offices. Peoples may have to travel to the city to find them. People in rural areas generally have less access to healthcare than their urban counterparts. Fewer medical practitioners, mental health programs and healthcare facilities in these areas often mean less preventative care and longer response times in emergencies. The lack of healthcare workers has resulted in unconventional ways of delivering healthcare to rural dwellers, including medical consultations by phone or internet as well as mobile preventative care and treatment programs. There have been increased efforts to attract health professionals to isolated locations, such as increasing the number of medical students from rural areas and improving financial incentives for rural practices.



Settlements:



Settlement refers to the physical spaces and environments in which households are sheltered, and how one shelter relates to others. The term is generally used in the context of displaced populations to describe the temporary or sometimes permanent living arrangements of displaced families. In this context settlements can range from planned camps to dispersed accommodation in host villages/neighbourhoods, collective centres, and spontaneous camps, etc.



A rural settlement is where displaced populations settle on land outside of cities and towns. The population is often dependent on agricultural and pastoral practices, and has fewer community infrastructure systems than in urban settlements.



Agricultural:



A lot of the land in rural areas is used for growing crops and rearing animals for food. In rural areas throughout the world, agriculture represents the predominant land use and a major component of the viability of rural areas. Farming and related activities make up the basic fabric of rural life, contributing significantly to the overall state of rural regions in terms of employment and business opportunities, infrastructure and quality of the environment.



 



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What are the uses of rocks?



Rocket and minerals make up much of our planet. They are formed deep inside the Earth over millions of Years. Rocks exist in lots of different shape, textures, and colours. They are mined to provide any of the things around us. Can you guess which rock is used where?



Granite:



Granite is and igneous rock which has extremely good weathering properties because it is very hard. This hardness makes it relatively difficult to work. Granite has been used in a large number of important buildings in the UK including Truro Cathedral, London Tower Bridge, Parts of St Pauls Cathedral, and Nelson’s Column. Granite has been mostly mined in the South West of England (Devon and Cornwall and in Aberdeenshire. Aberdeen is called the Granite City.



Iron ore:



Earth's most important iron ore deposits are found in sedimentary rocks. They formed from chemical reactions that combined iron and oxygen in marine and fresh waters. The two most important minerals in these deposits are iron oxides: hematite (Fe2O3) and magnetite (Fe3O4). These iron ores have been mined to produce almost every iron and steel object that we use today - from paper clips to automobiles to the steel beams in skyscrapers.



Turquoise:



Turquoise is an opaque mineral that occurs in beautiful hues of blue, bluish green, green, and yellowish green. It has been treasured as a gemstone for thousands of years. Isolated from one another, the ancient people of Africa, Asia, South America and North America independently made turquoise one of their preferred materials for producing gemstones, inlay, and small sculptures.



 Rock salt:



Rock Salt is a chemical sedimentary rock that forms from the evaporation of ocean or saline lake waters. It is also known by the mineral name "halite". It is rarely found at Earth's surface, except in areas of very arid climate. It is often mined for use in the chemical industry or for use as a winter highway treatment. Some halite is processed for use as a seasoning for food. 



Marble:



Marble is a metamorphic rock that forms when limestone is subjected to the heat and pressure of metamorphism. It is composed primarily of the mineral calcite (CaCO3) and usually contains other minerals, such as clay minerals, micas, quartz, pyrite, iron oxides, and graphite. Under the conditions of metamorphism, the calcite in the limestone recrystallizes to form a rock that is a mass of interlocking calcite crystals. A related rock, dolomitic marble, is produced when dolostone is subjected to heat and pressure.



 



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What are the types of rocks?



There are three different groups of rock: igneous, sedimentary, and metamorphic. Rocks are classified into these three different groups, depending on how they were formed.



Igneous rock:



Igneous rocks (from the Greek word for fire) form from when hot, molten rock crystallizes and solidifies. The melt originates deep within the Earth near active plate boundaries or hot spots, then rises toward the surface. Igneous rocks are divided into two groups, intrusive or extrusive, depending upon where the molten rock solidifies.



Intrusive Igneous Rocks:

Intrusive, or plutonic, igneous rock forms when magma is trapped deep inside the Earth. Great globs of molten rock rise toward the surface. Some of the magma may feed volcanoes on the Earth's surface, but most remains trapped below, where it cools very slowly over many thousands or millions of years until it solidifies. Slow cooling means the individual mineral grains have a very long time to grow, so they grow to a relatively large size. Intrusive rocks have a coarse grained texture.



Extrusive Igneous Rocks:

Extrusive, or volcanic, igneous rock is produced when magma exits and cools above (or very near) the Earth's surface. These are the rocks that form at erupting volcanoes and oozing fissures. The magma, called lava when molten rock erupts on the surface, cools and solidifies almost instantly when it is exposed to the relatively cool temperature of the atmosphere. Quick cooling means that mineral crystals don't have much time to grow, so these rocks have a very fine-grained or even glassy texture. Hot gas bubbles are often trapped in the quenched lava, forming a bubbly, vesicular texture.



Sedimentary rock:



Sedimentary rock is one of the three main rock groups (along with igneous and metamorphic rocks) and is formed in four main ways: by the deposition of the weathered remains of other rocks (known as 'clastic' sedimentary rocks); by the accumulation and the consolidation of sediments; by the deposition of the results of biogenic activity; and by precipitation from solution.



Sedimentary rocks include common types such as chalk, limestone, sandstone, clay and shale.



Sedimentary rocks cover 75% of the Earth's surface.



Four basic processes are involved in the formation of a clastic sedimentary rock: weathering (erosion) caused mainly by friction of waves, transportation where the sediment is carried along by a current, deposition and compaction where the sediment is squashed together to form a rock of this kind.



Sedimentary rocks are formed from overburden pressure as particles of sediment are deposited out of air, ice, or water flows carrying the particles in suspension.



As sediment deposition builds up, the overburden (or 'lithostatic') pressure squeezes the sediment into layered solids in a process known as lithification ('rock formation') and the original connate fluids are expelled.



The term diagenesis is used to describe all the chemical, physical, and biological changes, including cementation, undergone by sediment after its initial deposition and during and after its lithification, exclusive of surface weathering.



Metamorphic rock:



Metamorphic rocks are rocks that have become changed by intense heat or pressure while forming. In the very hot and pressured conditions deep inside the Earth’s crust, both sedimentary and igneous rocks can be changed into metamorphic rock. In certain conditions these rocks cool and crystallize usually into bands of crystals. Later they can become exposed on Earth’s surface. One way to tell if a rock sample is metamorphic is to see if the crystals within it are arranged in bands.



One way to think about the metamorphic process (metamorphism) is to consider what happens when soft clay objects are put into a kiln and heated to a very high temperature. They change from being squashy to rock hard. They cannot be changed back to their original form. The material has been changed. This is what happens on a huge scale underground producing metamorphic rock.



 



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How will my divorce affect my child?


Parents in the midst of separation or divorce can easily feel overwhelmed. They must deal with their own emotional, legal, and financial problems and often have little energy left for their children. Yet, children suffer greatly during a divorce and need special attention just at a time when parents are least able to give it.



When parents are caught up in a divorce, they often don’t see their child’s distress clearly. They may feel helpless and guilty and, as a result, deny his needs: “He’ll be fine.” “The kids’ll keep busy.” “Their father worked such long hours; he didn’t spend much time with them anyway.” “He was an awful father. They’ll hardly miss him.”



Kids often don’t ask directly for help or reassurance. Instead, they may act sad, angry, and frustrated. Siblings will fight, cry, and whine more, or may do poorly in school. Children who act as though everything’s fine are simply keeping their anxious feelings inside.



Divorce can cause lifelong strain for children. They can grow up to distrust all relationships and fear being hurt. The roots of such emotional damage lie in the way children think about and experience divorce.



Often they blame themselves for the separation. They know that parents sometimes argue about child rearing, and they feel responsible for their parents’ fights: “If only I’d been good.” “If only I’d listened more.” Children also believe that their wishes are very powerful. Since they’ve sometimes had negative thoughts about their parents, they can believe those thoughts caused the divorce.



Related to this is a child’s intense desire to have his parents back together. If bad wishes can cause a divorce, can’t good wishes reunite two people? Even when the relationship was tense, argumentative, or abusive, the child will likely want them to stay together. And much as parents may want his approval for the divorce, he won’t believe that living apart is best. Instead, he’ll talk, dream, and wish for a reconciliation, and when one doesn’t come, he might feel angry at himself for his powerlessness and angry at his parents for ignoring his desires.



Parents have to deal with these feelings. There should be open communication between them and their children, and a sense that sad and angry thoughts are acceptable. Kids should talk and parents should listen and reflect back what they’ve heard: “It sounds like you think it’s your fault Dad and I don’t live together anymore.” After a child has expressed his feelings, parents have to continually reassure him.



Children need to ask lots of questions and parents should listen and respond, even when it’s very difficult: “Where will Daddy live? Will we see him? Why can’t he sleep here? Will he ever live here again?”  “If Mom was the only woman in the world, would you marry her again?”



Since he learns that his parents have stopped loving each other, he’ll worry at times that they’ll stop loving him, too. He needs to hear that both parents love him very much, and that, no matter how angry the parent he lives with is, he or she will never leave him. He’ll also want to know he can continue his relationships with grandparents and other relatives who’ve been close to him.



It’s important (now and throughout his childhood) for him to have regular, frequent communication and visits with the parent not living at home. A child loves both parents and will have an easier time adjusting if he sees the one not living with him often. Parents should reject the impulse to belittle each other or try to get their child to take sides. Although this can be very difficult if the divorce was bitter, parents must keep their child’s needs in mind. If he’s put in the middle of an emotional tug-of-war he’ll feel pressured, guilty, and disloyal.



As you help your child, offer him outlets for his feelings and try to smooth the way as much as possible. Talk to his teacher and ask for his or her support. Help your child tell his friends about the divorce. He might be ashamed to talk to his peers about it because it makes him different and more vulnerable.



Offer him books about children dealing with divorce and suggest that he write his feelings down. Be comforting when he cries or asks for extra hugs and attention.



If you’re the primary caregiver, you may find it very difficult to provide him with the support he wants. You may be overworked and emotionally drained. At times, tell him that you can’t pay attention to him: “I’m feeling sad right now. Can I help you a little later?” He may be considerate for a while, but eventually he’ll return for reassurance. You also can try distracting him since, despite the divorce; he’ll continue to have outside interests. If you do have to postpone talking to him, remember to make time later.



Since you’ll be busy and carrying a bigger work load without your spouse, you might be tempted to put some of the burden on your child. The period during and immediately after a divorce is not the time to give him additional chores or responsibilities. He might especially resent doing jobs his absent parent did.



Whatever you do to try and ease your child’s way, understand that you can’t fully keep him from suffering because of your divorce. Take his emotional responses seriously and get help for him and for yourself. Many parents and children have found individual or group counseling useful.



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How can I help my child adjust to moving?


Moving can be exciting. It also can be very stressful. There are upheavals, physical work, and sad separations for the whole family. As parents pack up toys, Photographs, and clothes, they often feel nostalgic. As a child says good-bye to his room, his favorite play spots, and his friends, he may wonder what his life will be like.



The success of a move depends on the circumstances involved. Families moving because of divorce, unexpected job transfer, job loss, illness, or death face pressures and burdens not shared by those moving under happier circumstances. A family moving to a familiar neighborhood will have an easier time than one going to a strange city or state.



Parents’ attitudes greatly influence the success of a move, since a child will often adopt their viewpoints as his own. If they’re cheerful about going to a new home, he’ll accept inevitable changes more easily than if they’re nervous and upset.



His move will go most smoothly if he doesn’t have to change schools. If he can spend his school hours with familiar teachers and friends, he can concentrate on the nice things about his new home: his bedroom, a nearby park, a bike trail. Some parents who make a mid-school-term move to a nearby community let their child finish the year in his old school. That way, he can be comfortable in class while meeting new neighborhood children.



Because parents get caught up in the physical demands of moving, they often don’t take time to reassure and support their child. They may believe all kids are resilient and have an easy time adjusting: “Don’t worry. You’ll be fine.” “You’ll make lots of new friends.” “Second grade is the same no matter where you go.” Yet, leaving familiar surroundings can upset any child.



The best way parents can help their child is by listening to him talk about the move. If he can express his fears, anger, and sadness, he’ll feel better. If he believes his negative feelings are unacceptable, he’ll hide them and express his anxiety in other ways. He may lose his appetite, act moody and sensitive, whine, cry frequently, or fight more with his siblings.



Encourage him to talk about moving. Ask questions: “What’s the best part about moving? What don’t you like?” “What can I do to make this easier for you?” Show that you understand his feelings: “I know it’s hard to leave our house. You’ll really miss your friends, won’t you?” Talk about the separations he’ll experience. He may be upset about leaving grandparents, cousins, a baby-sitter, or teacher. Let him know he can stay in contact with people who are special to him.



Before you pack, take photographs or videos of each room in your house, and ask your child if he’d like to be in those pictures. Help him plan a farewell with his friends. He may want children over for a party or outdoor snacks and games. He may decide to make cards for friends or offer them a treasure from his room.



He may want to help with the packing, or he may want nothing to do with the process. You shouldn’t insist on his help. As you pack his belongings, don’t get rid of his things without asking him. He may still feel attached to playthings he’s outgrown and, if the move is difficult for him, he may not want to part with any possessions: “I’m keeping everything!” If he feels this way, put all the items you’d like to discard in a box, take them to the new house, and, after he has adjusted, ask which ones he’d like to keep.



Immediately after the move, resume important family rituals like bedtime stories, evening snacks, and breakfast with the whole family. Show him his new school and set up an appointment to visit the principal and tour the building. Enroll him in after-school activities or sports where he’ll meet new kids while doing things he enjoys. And remember, in the midst of unpacking, he needs extra time reassurance, and love.



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