My Science School

Grandparents can be very special to a child. In a good relationship, they offer unconditional love and acceptance. They often pay undivided attention and listen with interest to all their grandchild has to tell. Many grandparents are flexible—they have free time and their own lives are fairly settled. Since they don’t have day-to-day responsibility for their grandchild, they can get involved without worrying about such tough issues as discipline and education.

Good grandparent-grandchild relationships usually revolve around the child’s interests, although children sometimes will listen carefully to their grandparents’ stories (“We didn’t have computers and videos when I was your age,”) and may enjoy participating in a grandparent’s hobby. Still, the focus is on the child. During the preschool years, most children are happy to stay near their grandparents during a visit. By the early elementary years, kids are involved in many activities and are often busy when grandparents are around. The relationship changes. Grandparents of a six- to nine-year-old may spend less time directly involved with their grandchild and more time watching his soccer games, class plays, or recitals.

Parents find themselves in the middle of the grandparent-grandchild relationship. In the best situations, parents love to share their child’s accomplishments with grandparents and hear them say wonderful things back. It’s especially gratifying when grandparents compliment parents for successful child-rearing. But the relationship can be complex and uncomfortable, especially for the generation in the middle.

When grandparents criticize the way their grandchild is being raised, parents resent the intrusion. If grandparents are especially loving towards their grandchild, a parent may angrily or jealously wonder why she didn’t experience such acceptance when she was young: “Why are they so nice now? They were never like that when I was growing up.” At the other extreme, if grandparents aren’t loving enough, parents mourn the loss of a relationship they wanted for their child.

By the time a child is in elementary school, he knows a great deal about his grandparents. He knows how they react to him, how likely they are to pay attention and play with him, and what their personalities are like. A grandchild sometimes sees the same characteristics that his parents once saw. And he, like his parents, may be bothered: “Grandpa thinks he knows everything.” Parents can commiserate: “You know, when I was growing up I sometimes felt the same way about Grandpa. I think it’s his way of giving advice and helping out.” Parents usually find that their child is more tolerant of a grandparent’s idiosyncrasies than they are.

If your child’s grandparents are intent on seeing and enjoying him, the relationship will flourish. If they are emotionally or geographically distant, there are some things you can do to encourage the relationship.

When grandparents live far away, remain in contact via telephone or email. Exchange audio tapes describing recent activities or send videotapes of your child playing, singing, showing off his room, or telling a story. You can help your child write to his grandparents by giving him several addressed, stamped envelopes ready to send off with a letter, photo, or drawing.

If you’ve kept grandparents at a distance because of their attitudes or actions, reconsider now that your child is older. One parent who thought her mother overindulged the grandchildren as preschoolers saw that the leniency and generosity didn’t harm them or make them greedy. She began to invite her mother over more often.

If you sense that your child is bothered or worried about his grandparents, let him talk about his feelings. If his grandmother is sick or if there’s a sudden change in her health or living situation, he will ask lots of questions and seek reassurance: “Will Grandma be all right?” “Will she always be sad now?” “Will we still get to see her?”

The relationship between grandparents and grandchildren can enrich both generations. When it works, it’s wonderful. When it doesn’t develop as you would wish, there still will be benefits. As the parent in-between, try to accept whatever disappointment you feel and nurture the good parts of the relationship.

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Jewish children often feel a sense of alienation during the Christmas/Hanukkah season. Stores and houses are filled with decorations for a holiday Jewish children don’t celebrate. Well-meaning strangers ask, “What are you getting for Christmas?” “Have you put up your tree yet?” and Jewish children feel awkward answering. Schools often center art projects and assemblies on Christmas, and some children and adults who know little about Judaism say in amazement, “You mean you don’t celebrate Christmas?”

Young Jewish children may feel they’re missing something. A holiday when parents are off from work and presents are placed beneath a decorated tree can seem enticing: “Can’t we get a Christmas tree too and still celebrate Hanukkah?” “Do we get as many presents at Hanukkah as kids who celebrate Christmas?”

Jewish children can also feel resentment and anger that their holiday, Hanukkah, is not treated as Christmas is: “Why are there Christmas decorations everywhere? Why not Hanukkah decorations?” “Not everybody celebrates Christmas. They should care about other people’s religions.” These feelings stem from a child’s desire to be treated equally and fairly. A six- to nine-year-old wants to be like her friends and classmates. At Christmas, Jewish children become acutely aware of the differences between themselves and their Christian friends.

Jewish parents should let their child express her feelings and they should try to understand her anger. They should then use the holiday season to talk about the differences between religions, the feelings of minorities, and the meaning of various holidays in our diverse culture. Although Hanukkah is not as religiously significant to Jews as Christmas is to Christians, the two often are linked because of their closeness on the calendar and because gifts are given for both. Jewish children should be taught the importance of their own holiday and should be helped to enjoy it for the cultural, historical, and religious occasion that it is.

To help your child focus on the positive side of the holiday season, try recreating Hanukkah activities you remember from your childhood. Ask your child how she’d like to mark the holiday: baking and cooking, playing games, making cards and gifts. Encourage a sense of community by inviting friends and relatives over to light the Hanukkah candles during the holiday’s eight nights. Ask your child’s teacher if she’d like you to make a class presentation on Hanukkah.

Many Jewish families help their Christian friends decorate a tree. This is one way to share the enjoyment of the holiday season. Also be sure your child has an opportunity during the holidays to perform community service with you or otherwise help you give to people in need.

During this season, as at other times, show the behavior you’d like your child to adopt. Let her see your enthusiasm for Hanukkah and understanding and respect for the religious beliefs of others. Eventually she will be able to enjoy her own holiday and observe the celebration of Christmas without feeling left out.

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Dealing with a child’s emotional and behavioral problems can be difficult. It’s hard for parents to judge how serious their child’s problems are or to decide how to handle them. Some upsetting behavior may be temporary, due to circumstances such as a move or the birth of a sibling. Some problems, particularly ones affecting schoolwork, can be resolved after an evaluation by a school psychologist. Other troubling behavior patterns indicate deeper, ongoing problems that require therapy.

Complicating the issue of treating emotional problems are parents’ questions and fears. Although parents wouldn’t hesitate to contact a pediatrician about their child’s physical illnesses, they’re often quite reluctant to talk to a therapist about emotional difficulties. Many parents don’t know what’s involved in child therapy and fear the unknown. They may worry that their child will be stigmatized or labeled. They find his problems too complex to deal with, and they avoid therapy out of a sense of frustration or helplessness. There are parents who can’t look at their child’s behavior objectively and miss problems that are obvious to others.

The tendency for parents to resist child therapy is natural. They usually blame themselves for their child’s problems: “Maybe I should have spent more time with her.” “I should have set firmer limits.” They feel guilty and may avoid seeking help rather than face their uncomfortable feelings.

Although parents sometimes decide on their own to seek a child therapist, the initiative often comes from a pediatrician, teacher, or school counselor who’s noticed troubling symptoms in the child. His schoolwork may be poor, he may be disrupting the class, or he may show physical signs of stress. Parents who are initially upset by a recommendation to seek therapy sometimes feel relief at the prospect of finding answers and help.

It’s hard to generalize about the severity and nature of emotional problems, but there are signs parents can look for when evaluating their child. Does he have a difficult time expressing his anger? Does he seem especially angry? Is his home situation stressful? Has there been recent family trauma? Are his behavior patterns significantly different from his peers’? Does he get into fights at school? Do neighborhood parents report that he’s too aggressive? Does he work below his potential at school? Does his teacher report negative behavior? Is he withdrawn? Does he have a poor self-image? Has anyone suggested he take medication for behavioral reasons?

Parents should remember that all children display some of these behavioral problems at times, particularly when they are adjusting to changes in their lives, such as school pressures, parents’ new work schedules, or tensions in the home. Parents need to worry only when consistent patterns of troubling behavior affect their child’s social life and schoolwork.

Most eight- and nine-year-old children begin “talk” therapy while most six- and seven-year-olds begin with “play therapy.” Since these younger children usually have a hard time verbalizing their feelings, therapists have them communicate through play sessions. Kids literally play out their feelings. While a child pretends with toys or uses clay or drawing materials, his therapist observes and talks with him. If he sets up a mock battle with two figures, the therapist may say, “They must be really angry with each other. Does that kind of fighting remind you of other fights you’ve seen?” A good therapist knows how to interpret play and how to help a child work through difficult issues in the one-on-one setting of a therapy session. One eight-year-old said that his “feelings” doctor helped him stop thinking about robbers and monsters at night.

If you feel your child needs professional help, seek recommendations from your pediatrician or a school counselor. You could consult a clinical social worker, psychologist, or child psychiatrist. Just be sure whoever you select has expertise and experience working with children. You can call your local AMA or American Psychological Association chapter to verify a therapist’s credentials.

Consider interviewing at least two therapists, either by phone or in person, to find out about their practices, fees, personalities, and approaches. Ask about the therapist’s training and about what goes on during a session. Ask how therapy will help your child and how the therapist will keep you informed. Will she observe your child at school? Will she do testing? Does she have a sliding payment scale and does she submit statements to insurance companies? Ask how she suggests you talk to your child about therapy.

When you’ve chosen a therapist, tell your child what the initial visit will be like and explain that the therapist is someone who helps children feels happier and more comfortable with their family, school, and friends. You child may develop a strong attachment to his therapist. The therapist is someone he can trust and someone who accepts his feelings—good and bad—without passing judgment.

Throughout the course of treatment, keep in close contact with the therapist. If you don’t see the progress you expected, talk to her. She should be willing to answer all your questions.

Although it may be difficult for you to accept that your child needs therapy, you’re doing the right thing if you seek help when he’s young. It will be easier for him to alter his behavior and work through problems now than it will be when he’s a teenager. And even at his young age, change may be slow and gradual. Focus on the progress he makes. It’s never easy to alter a child’s behavior or self-image, but with time and patience, you and he should find therapy a remarkably positive experience.

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Consistent communication is an important part of successful family life. Families feel connected when they know members are free to talk and are willing to listen. Since children become more private as they grow older, families should establish a habit of open communication when kids are young. One way to do this is by holding formal family meetings.

These are discussions held regularly or spontaneously to talk about family issues. Meetings offer each member a chance to speak in a respectful atmosphere and allow parents and children to be together without distractions.

At a meeting, families can make mutual decisions or take votes on specific questions—where to go for dinner, what to do on vacation, how to spend a weekend. They can decide on new household rules or the division of chores.

Family meetings can be used to discuss problems. Parents and children frequently argue about watching TV and playing video games, how allowance is spent, when homework should be done, how family members treat each other, and how much help each member contributes. Instead of yelling, “Turn off that show and do something useful!” parents can say, “Let’s have a family meeting tonight to talk about TV.” They’ll have a chance to cool down, discuss the problem, and come up with solutions or compromises.

Sometimes kids have complaints about parents: “You work too much.” “You never play games with me.” A child should feel free to air such issues at a family meeting, with the understanding that her parents will listen, offer their opinions, and consider appropriate changes.

Sometimes families meet just to talk about interesting events and affirm their love for each other. They may take turns discussing recent activities or talk about such specific topics as friendship or school. Although family members certainly talk outside of meetings, they often do so only while involved in something else: making dinner, getting ready to go out, cleaning up, reading the newspaper, and watching TV. It’s difficult to listen carefully while engaged in another activity. That’s why undivided attention at family meeting time can be so valuable.

If family meetings are to work successfully, parents must establish rules and a tone of respect and equality. Each member must be allowed to speak without fear of being put down, each should listen to the others, and each should accept majority decisions. In a non-threatening atmosphere, children look forward to sharing: “Can we have a family meeting tonight?”

It’s important that family meetings not focus only on discipline or complaints about one child. Discussions about persistent misbehavior should be handled in private. Otherwise, a child will become angry and defensive during meetings (“No, I don’t do that!”) and will eventually resist participating: “I hate these meetings.” She’ll make excuses: “I’m too tired.” “I don’t feel like talking.” If forced to participate, she may frequently interrupt: “Can I go play now?”

If parents must use part of the meeting to talk about misbehavior, they should counter that with a discussion of the child’s accomplishments. And parents should balance what they say if they have several children. Praising one child and not the other will lead to competition and resentment, just as blaming only one will. Kids will participate in family meetings only if they feel they’re being treated equally.

It may take time for your family to get used to coming together formally for meetings. At times you may be frustrated because you can’t accomplish what you’d hoped to: “I wish she’d understand that, even if she doesn’t make a mess, we all have to chip in and clean up.” You may be disappointed if your child doesn’t cooperate during meetings. Rather than give up on family meetings, adjust the format to your family’s needs. Even if you can’t resolve difficulties, you can use meeting time to share happy experiences: “Your soccer team did so well on Saturday.” “I’m glad you showed us your school journal.” Short, positive meetings will increase communication and help create a climate of acceptance in your family.

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All children are exposed to parental arguments. Some parents quarrel frequently and openly without considering their children’s reactions and other parents argue in private. Yet parents can’t hide the fact that they disagree. Kids are aware of yelling and arguments going on even behind closed bedroom doors.

When parents argue in front of their child, they may frighten him: “Are you and Dad still in a fight?” “Are you getting a divorce?” He may go to sleep scared and go to school worried. He also may take sides and yell at the parent he believes is at fault: “Stop telling Dad what to do all the time. Then he won’t be so mad!” “Just leave Mom alone. Don’t keep fighting!”

He may blame himself for his parents’ quarrels: “If only I’d listened to them more, they wouldn’t fight as much.” “Maybe if I were nicer to my sister, Mom and Dad would get along better.” Such wishful, magical ideas are very real and powerful.

While problems arise when parents expose their child to frequent arguing, there are problems when parents try to hide their arguments. They may do this because they believe disagreements will frighten their child or they feel he shouldn’t know about their difficulties. They may hide their quarrels because they had been frightened as children by their parents’ fights. They want to spare their child the uneasiness they once felt.

Pretending that all is peaceful, however, can have negative effects. Their child may not understand that disagreement is a natural part of any close relationship. Instead, he may believe that angry feelings aren’t appropriate and he may not allow his own anger to surface.

Children at times need to hear their parents express and then resolve their differences. If a child grows up witnessing occasional arguments, he learns that anger is inevitable and that adults can handle it. The best thing parents can do is strike a balance, exposing him to some arguments and keeping others private.

If you argue in front of your child, consider his feelings. He will become quite upset if you and your spouse yell and insult each other. Control your accusations and unkind words. If you can’t do this consistently, at least give some thought to the impact your arguments have on him.

He may need reassurance after hearing you fight: “Even though Dad and I argue, we still love each other very much.” If you’re uncomfortable saying this, offer some other words of comfort: “I know it’s hard for you to hear Dad and me fight. We’re trying not to disagree so much. It takes a lot of hard work.” Listen to his questions and let him express his concerns.

Remember that he considers you a model. Every day, you show him how adults and couples behave. If you and your spouse don’t treat each other with respect, if you yell, insult each other, and argue constantly, your child may eventually have trouble with his own intimate relationships.

You may find that he imitates your behavior now. If he’s been exposed to frequent blaming and discord he might treat his siblings in ways you find unacceptable. You may find yourself demanding, “Don’t treat your brother that way. That’s not nice.” “Don’t talk to your sister like that.”

If you and your spouse argue frequently, consider seeking professional counseling. When you are able to get along more harmoniously, your entire family will benefit.

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“Billy got to sleep at his friend’s house and I didn’t.”

“You let Courtney stay up and watch TV. It’s not fair!”

Kids these ages have a heightened awareness of what is or what isn’t fair, but they often make judgments based on how they feel at the moment, not on what makes sense or seems reasonable. A child who got two new shirts last week may yell “unfair” when her sister gets one new one this week.

One child was invited by a friend’s family to a baseball game that wouldn’t end until late in the evening. The child’s mother, knowing her family had to get up early the next morning, declined the invitation. The child was devastated. “You’re unfair! I never get to do anything!” Nothing her parents said made any difference.

Parents face a dilemma in such situations. They want to explain their actions and they want their child to know that life often is unfair. Yet, in emotional moments, kids don’t listen. All they know is what they feel.

Parents also want to please their child. But when she’s very upset about alleged unfairness, nothing will make her happy except getting her way. This is difficult for parents to understand. They may feel hurt and wonder if their child is the only one who acts this way. Actually, such outbursts are so common that parents of early elementary-aged children should simply expect them to happen.

When a child is very angry about unfairness, parents can try to soothe her feelings, offer distractions, or leave her to calm down on her own. In some cases, she may need to spend time alone in her room until she can control herself. Some kids recover quickly while others remain angry and unhappy for an afternoon or evening. Eventually, time heals these temporary wounds.

What parents should avoid doing is lecturing their child when she’s caught up in her feelings of unfairness. At such times, no one, child or adults, wants to hear about the unfairness of the world. It’s especially difficult for a six- to nine-year-old to pay attention to other people’s misfortunes when she’s feeling personally mistreated.

Talk to your child about her feelings at a calm time: “I know you were disappointed about not seeing the movie. Sometimes we have to accept when things don’t go our way.” Gradually introduce the larger issues of unfairness. Tell her about others who are less fortunate than she is, about people who learn to live with difficult problems. You can also talk about your own experiences. When she is angry, she’ll roll her eyes and complain if you say, “When I was your age...” At a calmer time, however, she may enjoy hearing about your early years and may understand that she has much to be thankful for.

If your child is saying, “You’re not fair!” over and over, you should pay close attention. You may find truth in her complaints. Perhaps she does have more chores than her brother; perhaps she doesn’t get to do as much as her sister does; perhaps you’ve been working long hours and are unavailable when she needs you. If you’re willing to look at her situation and make some modifications, she may start feeling better.

Often, small changes make a big difference. If you can’t change your work schedule, you can still plan a special weekend with your children. And you can alter the way you treat them so that one sibling doesn’t always feel short-changed.

Unfortunately, it’s true that life is unfair, and you’ll hear occasional complaints about this from your child. She may be unhappy about incidents at home, school, or with friends. One child worked for a week on his science project, only to lose the class prize to a child who put together a display at the last minute: “It’s not fair. Kira’s wasn’t even good!” Disappointment is inevitable. Encourage her to find worth in doing her best, regardless of the judgment of others. Help her to change unfair situations that can be remedied, and trust that, with your love, support, and positive example, she’ll learn to accept some unfairness that can’t be changed.

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Parents are far too accepting of sibling rivalry; many excuse it: “That’s to just how kids are. All brothers and sisters fight.” Many stop trying to deal with it because they don’t know what to do. They hear the endless bickering, whining, and arguing, and just give up, only interfering when one child gets physically hurt. Yet, parents are not helpless. There are steps they can take to eliminate most of the day-to-day struggles between siblings.

The key is getting involved. Parents shouldn’t ignore their children’s rivalry. When kids sense that a parent won’t step in, they often escalate their battles. One boy, who was rarely reprimanded for the way he treated his sister, continually picked on her as a way of releasing his frustrations. Some people believe that paying attention to sibling rivalry only encourages it because kids argue in order to get attention. However, kids generally put their efforts into seeking positive, rather than negative attention.

The real root of sibling rivalry is a child’s angry belief that he isn’t being treated fairly, that his sibling is enjoying more parental affection or privileges. He directs his anger toward his sibling rather than his parents because he needs his parents for love and care. He doesn’t want to risk losing their approval. It’s much safer to attack a brother or sister.

A child will feel unfairly treated if his parents say, “Your sister is older so she gets to stay up later.” During this sensitive period from six to nine years, a child can easily feel inferior and insecure if his parents say, “You need to practice more than your brother does,” or, “I wish you could handle things as well as Jake.” The child being praised will feel entitled to gloat and may even repeat his parents’ words, “You never do anything right.” The one being put down will recent his sibling.

This presents a dilemma for parents who believe older children should have more privileges. One mother thought her nine-year-old should stay up later than her seven-year-old. This caused great conflicts. The older child teased the younger, and the younger yelled, “You think you’re so great!” and complained constantly, “Why does she get to stay up later and I don’t?” Eventually, the seven-year-old fussed so long at bedtime that he was awake as long as his sister anyway.

If an older child is treated more bigger and better than a younger sibling, the younger will fight for the privileges his sibling enjoys. He’ll feel helpless, unequal, and powerless to change what he sees as an unfair situation, and he’ll take those feelings out on his sibling.

Many parents can remember their own feelings of resentment toward a brother or sister, yet they continue to treat children as they had once hated being treated. A better alternative to granting privileges by age is to treat kids equally, and make allowances for differences in size, maturity, and physical development. While siblings four or more years apart usually go to bed at different times, those closer in age can be sent to bed at the same time. If one needs less sleep, he can read or play in his room before falling asleep. No matter how parents arrange bedtime, they should treat the issue matter-of-factly so their younger child doesn’t feel angry.

It’s not just younger children who feel unfairly treated. Older children often resent being made overly responsible for their younger siblings: “Take him outside with you when you go to play.” “Let Chris stay in your room while I make dinner.” “Walk Josie to her friend’s house.” Older children may also get more than their share of the blame. “You should know better, you’re older.” “It’s your fault. You’re supposed to be the responsible one.” An older child hearing such words feels angry while a younger child feels that his parents will come to his defense. The older child’s anger results in increased sibling rivalry.

Sibling rivalry may escalate or develop if a new baby is born. A former “only child” will face the shock of sharing his parents for the first time. A pair of siblings will find their positions in the family altered by the baby’s arrival. The middle child, in particular, may feel left out.

Parents can ease their older children’s adjustment by giving them extra attention and acknowledging their feelings: “It’s hard getting used to a new baby, isn’t it?”

Whenever you face sibling rivalry in your family, you should talk to your children, clearly stating your expectations. Let them know what the limits are and discuss ways they can control their fighting: “When you think things are unfair, tell your brother.” “Let Joanne know you’re mad without teasing her or hitting.” “If you’re mad enough to push the baby, come tell me and we’ll work it out together.” “Sometimes you have to include your sister when you play.” If you don’t set limits on rivalry, your children will believe you accept their negative behavior.

If you catch them in the middle of an argument make them sit down and discuss the situation with each other or with you. If necessary, act as a mediator and listen to each child’s side, even if that means putting up with, “You played with it longer!” “No, I had it first!” After you’ve listened, ask them to come up with a solution, offer one yourself, or direct them toward another activity.

Sometimes they will have trouble talking about their fights. They know they’re angry but they don’t know why, or they’re uncomfortable sharing their feelings. Suggest possible reasons for your child’s dissatisfaction: “Maybe you think Nicole got a better toy than you did.” “You might be mad because Corey got to watch more TV.”

Let your children know that if they persist in arguing, there will be consequences. You already know what will work best: taking away (or threatening to take away) privileges, sending your child to his room, warning about an earlier bedtime. Make sure the consequences for misbehavior are appropriate and not too harsh, or you will just stir up more resentment. Instead of thinking, “I’ll try harder to be good,” your child may be so angry at his punishment that he’ll think, “I’m really going to get my brother for this one!”

You may have success by offering your children rewards for getting along. Give the rewards often and be prepared to monitor your children closely. While you might see improved behavior, you also might see an increase in tattling or threats: “Ooh, I’m telling on you and you won’t get a treat from Mom.” You might also find that the novelty wears off and the rewards gradually become less effective.

Above all, to eliminate rivalry, treat your children fairly. There may be truth to their complaints. If you tend to reward one child and blame the other, reevaluate your attitudes. When you’re fair and generous with your praise—“Thank you for sharing with your sister.” “I’m glad you let Billy play with you.”—your children will feel better about themselves and be less likely to argue.

Of course, you can never stop all the bickering. “Shut up!” “Stupid!” and “I hate you!” are standard sibling exchanges. They’re upsetting, but they’re the quick, angry expressions of a sibling relationship. Friends rarely relate in the disagreeable terms that brothers and sisters do. If the bickering is brief, infrequent, and quickly resolved, just accept it. But whenever sibling rivalry moves beyond a few words spoken in haste, step in, set limits, and help your children resolve their differences.

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Children in the same family can be strikingly different. Parents may believe they’re raising their children in similar ways, yet the children have very different personalities, abilities, and interests. Why?

Naturally, heredity plays a major role in determining temperament and abilities. One child in a family may be easygoing by nature, another more sensitive. One may have athletic ability, while another is intellectually inclined.

Gender affects personality differences as well. Boys and girls frequently have different interests and activity levels although each may become strongly involved in activities stereotypically associated with the opposite sex. In addition, kids often imitate what they see, and if parents have very different interests and personalities, one child may imitate her mother while the other follows her father.

The way parents treat their children has a major impact on the development of personality, interests, and abilities. Parents shape and steer their child in many ways, both consciously and unconsciously. They may encourage musical talent while ignoring mechanical ability; they may inadvertently stifle creativity or individuality while urging their child to “be good.” They may offer her nurturing role models or help her become a leader.

Within a family, each child’s experience is unique. For instance, a first-born receives a lot of attention during her years as the only child. However, because her parents are inexperienced, they may be cautious, demanding, and nervous at the same time that they’re loving and proud. Parents are usually more relaxed and lenient with their younger children.

There are other circumstances that lead parents to treat their children differently, often with negative results. One child may have a temperamental characteristic that unhappily reminds her parents of something in themselves or another relative. Parents don’t like seeing familiar negative characteristics reflected in their child and may wish—or pressure—her to be different.

The resemblance can be something specific. A parent with a strong temper may single out a child with a similar personality: “Your loud mouth will get you in trouble.” The parent who has negative feelings about himself may treat the child who is like him more harshly than he treats his other children.

The resemblance also can be general. A child might simply be a reminder to her parents that they (and she) are not as aggressive, talented, or intelligent as they would like to be. One parent, talking to his spouse about their child, said, “She’s stubborn, just like you.”

If one child physically resembles a parent or other relative in a way that makes parents uncomfortable, they may voice their displeasure: “Your hair is so thin, just like my sister’s.” “You have ears like your mother.” “You’re chunky like me.” More often parents don’t mention their feelings aloud, yet still may be bothered by aspects of their child’s appearance.

The child who is the unfortunate target of such comments will feel unhappy and singled out among her siblings. If she hears these messages often enough, she’ll internalize them: “I’m not smart.” “I’m not pretty.” “I’m not good at sports.” She may behave as though what she’s heard is true. Her siblings, who have escaped their parents’ criticism, will not have such negative self-images.

Siblings also may develop strong differences if one seems to be favored by her parents. For example, if parents believe one child is prettier than the other and express that belief to both, one will grow up feeling worthwhile while the other will feel less valued and less attractive.

Sometimes parents focus too much attention, time, or money on one child; this can have a negative impact on the other children in the family. If a child sees her brother receive attention and praise for his athletic ability, she will look for a way to get attention for herself. She may try to compete with him, but that’s unlikely if she feels she can’t match him. Rather than risks having her parents compare her performance to his, she may give up on sports altogether.

Instead, she’ll try to find another way to distinguish herself. She may try art or dancing or develop a charming or funny manner. However, if she can’t get enough positive attention from her parents, she might seek negative attention, perhaps developing a behavioral problem at home and school. The unhappier she becomes, the more likely she is to become careless with her schoolwork, family, and peers, and the less likely she’ll be to get positive feedback from her parents. Her experience will be very different from her sibling’s.

Parents sometimes deliberately steer their kids in different directions, often to avoid possible conflicts and competition. If an older child enrolls in dance class, her parents may discourage her younger sibling from doing the same for fear one will outshine the other. Some parents were raised in competitive households and want to spare their children the experience of failing to match a sibling. However, when parents keep one child from pursuing her interest, they rob her of a chance for enjoyment and accomplishment.

Siblings can successfully participate in the same activities as long as their parents don’t focus on competition between them or praise one and not the other. Even if one is better, there will always be something good to say about each. Both should be encouraged.

Although it’s intriguing and important to consider the differences between your children, it’s also important to deal with the differences carefully. Accept each as she is, nurture her, and encourage her to pursue activities that she enjoys and is good at. Don’t push and pull her in directions she can’t or doesn’t want to go. Remember not to compare your children out loud. They’ll hear your comparisons as judgments, and one will end up feeling superior or inferior to the other.

It’s natural to feel disappointed in your children at times: “He’s not the ball player I’d hoped he’d be.” “I wish she’d been a boy.” “I wish she were more sociable.” Try to accept what disappoints you. It’s emotionally unhealthy for your children to hear your negative evaluations. They’ll wonder, “What’s wrong with me?” “Why couldn’t I be like my sister?”

The best way to treat differences is matter-of-factly and with respect: “Sam enjoys reading.” “Julie likes gymnastics.” Your kids will be affected throughout their lives by the way you view them. If you set the right tone, they’ll follow your lead and learn to appreciate and accept differences as a natural part of life. As a result, they’ll grow up feeling good about their siblings and themselves.

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Parents spend a great deal of time worrying about being consistent (“Should I always enforce family rules? Should I give in after I’ve said no?”), but there’s really only one thing they have to be absolutely consistent about - letting their child know he’s loved, valued, and important. A child who grows up hearing that message will develop a healthy self-image. A child who doesn’t will have negative feelings about himself.

Parents can’t compromise when it comes to giving their child feedback about his basic nature and worth. He needs to hear again and again that his parents accept him as he is, with his strengths and weaknesses, personality, interests, and appearance. Parents should encourage their child to feel good about himself and his capabilities.

That doesn’t mean parents shouldn’t show anger and disappointment when their child misbehaves. Parents have to set limits and tell their child what they expect. In fact, when they do set limits, they let him know they care a great deal about him and the way he acts.

However, there’s a big difference between expressing disapproval of misbehavior and expressing general disapproval of a child. For whatever reasons, some parents have a hard time accepting their child. They may have unrealistically high expectations and, as a result, constantly feel that he is failing. They themselves may have received negative messages as children and may now unconsciously treat their child as they were treated.

Some parents appear to favor one of their children over another. Although it may be easy to say, “I wish you were more like your brother,” or, “I wish you did as well in science as your sister,” parents should recognize the harm such statements cause. Rather than motivate a child to do better, these comparisons, with their implied put-downs, make him feel bad about himself and angry. He may only be motivated to get back at the sibling who seems to enjoy more parental approval.

To see how important feedback is to self-image, consider the way you were treated as a child. If your parents valued you as a lovable, worthwhile person, you probably entered adulthood feeling good about yourself. If you received negative messages, you’ve probably struggled at times with a poor self-image.

What your child needs from you is acceptance, praise, and compliments on his strengths. If he never seems to please you, reconsider your expectations. They may be too high, or your parenting style may be too demanding and high-pressured. You may find that, by being more realistic, you’re better able to accept him as he is and give consistent, positive messages.

As you think about his self-concept, you may be worried if he’s shy. It’s a common belief that a shy child has a negative self-image, but that’s often not the case. Many children who are reserved by nature are as confident as their more outgoing peers. One teacher told a parent, “You daughter may be quiet, but she’s certainly confident when it comes to doing her work and making friends.” Let your shy child know that you love him as much as you love his more extroverted siblings, and that he has as much to offer. As a result, he’ll develop a healthy self-image.

A child with low self-esteem will exhibit a number of symptoms. Rather than say he feels bad about himself, he might struggle with friendships, compete excessively with peers and siblings, misbehave, and not work up to his ability in school.

If you’re concerned about his self-image or have questions about the impact your attitudes have on him, talk to a school counselor or therapist. It’s much easier to resolve a child’s negative feelings when he’s young than it is to wait until the adolescent years.

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All children occasionally act in selfish, spoiled ways. They make demands without consideration for people or circumstances: “Why can’t I have Barbie with the beach clothes now?” Still, most six- to nine-year-olds, most of the time, have reasonable expectations and, are learning to think about other people’s feelings and needs. “Spoiled” children are the ones who remain almost totally self-centered and focused on their own desires, possessions, and activities.

A child who’s constantly overindulged often will act spoiled. She might be so used to getting her way that she feels entitled to do as she wishes. This can happen if parents fail to set limits on her behavior, or fail to follow through when she acts in unacceptable ways.

She also can be overindulged with material objects. Owning many toys does not necessarily make her spoiled; children with lots of possessions can be loving and considerate. However, if parents constantly give without reinforcing positive values, they may unconsciously encourage their child to behave in socially unacceptable ways. She may come to expect more and more and find that what she already owns has little meaning.

Some parents have a hard time controlling their buying. They may enjoy giving to their child or feel that buying presents is the only way to please her. Some parents give out of guilt—they may not offer their child the attention she needs, so they buy gifts instead. Even when parents know they’re overindulging her, they may rationalize their actions: “She’s only a kid for a short time.” “Why not? We can afford it.”

The danger in continually overindulging a child is that she might come to expect it. She may grow up unable to handle disappointment or tolerate situations that don’t go her way. Since parents want their child to become a caring, strong person capable of taking care of herself, they should avoid treating her in overindulgent ways.

They should set limits on her negative behavior. They should act as positive role models, showing her how to graciously accept and offer kindness, and how to deal with disappointment. Although it’s not always easy, they should teach her to appreciate what she has, respect friends and siblings, find pleasure in learning and physical activity, and consider those more needy than she. If she grows up with basic values, she won’t act spoiled no matter how many possessions she has.

If you feel your child is becoming too self-centered, evaluate your relationship with her. Are you spending as much time as you should together? Are you available to hear about her needs, ideas, and worries?

If you believe that you buy her too many things, gradually cut back so both you and she can get used to a new level of giving. Although you may be disappointed with her attitude, avoid labeling her “spoiled.” She may act more selfish than you’d like, but she has good traits that may be overshadowed if you concentrate on one negative characteristic. Instead, talk about areas she needs help with: “I want you to take better care of your toys.” “I’d like you to stop interrupting your sister.” “You need to be more accepting when things don’t go your way.” If you do this, she may be less defensive and more willing to change.

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“Be quiet, Dad. You never let me do anything!”

“I wish Seth’s mom was my mother. She lets him stay up late.”

“You’re not fair! Leave me alone!”

When a child is allowed to spontaneously express his anger, he may say rude, hurtful things without considering his parents’ feelings. In the heat of the moment, he can forget all they do for him. He also may ignore their attempts to reason with him. While one father was telling his daughter why she couldn’t go outside after dinner, she was writing an angry note: “Dear Dad, other kids get to do things they want. I’m so mad at you. I’m never talking to you again.”

Anger at parents is a normal part of growing up. Learning how to express negative feelings in socially acceptable ways takes time. It also takes patience on the part of parents. Yet many parents react harshly to their child’s rudeness: “Don’t you dare talk to me that way!” “I don’t want to hear that tone of voice.” If parents overreact toward their child for his disrespectful words, he may learn that feeling angry is bad and that angry thought shouldn’t be spoken. A child who isn’t allowed to show his feelings may never learn to express anger appropriately.

While some parents overreact, others feel helpless when faced with outbursts: “Should we allow this behavior?” “Why does he talk this way?” “Am I setting enough limits?” Many parents grew up with strong restrictions on their speech: “Don’t ever say that again. It’s not nice.” They may be reluctant to impose similar controls on their child’s expressions of anger, yet they feel uncomfortable listening to him say things they would never have said as children.

Your child needs a chance to speak his angry thoughts, but you also need to put limits on how he expresses himself. If certain words or attitudes are unacceptable to you, tell him: “It’s all right for you to be mad at me, but you’ll have to change your tone of voice.” “When you stop name-calling, I’ll be happy to listen to you.” “I don’t like it when you talk to me that way.” “You’ll have to find another way to tell me about being angry.” Not only do such statements guide him toward better ways of expressing anger, but they demonstrate a respectful way of communicating that you’d eventually like him to adopt.

If, as often happens, you can’t respond calmly when he’s rude, walk away or get involved in another activity. Save your discussion for later. Eventually his anger will subside, even if he doesn’t get what he originally wanted. His angry words will have helped him release his feelings. And since anger doesn’t feel good for very long, once he has expressed himself he may quickly become friendly again.

As you help him control the way he speaks to you, consider his age; a six- or seven-year-old lacks the communication skills of an eight- or nine-year-old. Also, remember that he is greatly influenced by your behavior. If you expect him to speak respectfully, offer examples. Don’t say, “Get over here this minute!” “Stop acting like a baby.” “Don’t be stupid.” Instead, treat him as you would like him to treat others.

He allows his anger to surface because he trusts you’ll love him in spite of his temper and words. Both he and you desire to live in harmony. With patience, limits, and guidance, he should learn to express most of his feelings appropriately. However, if you become concerned that he can’t control his anger, consider seeking outside help such as a parenting class. The way you treat this issue now will set the tone for communication with your child later during his teenage years.

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By the time a child is in elementary school, her parents and teachers expect her to be considerate of others. Over the years they’ve spent a great deal of time (usually unsuccessfully) reinforcing the need to be thoughtful. During those early years, however, the child was developmentally egocentric and therefore incapable of considering other people’s points of view. Now, she’s old enough to understand, yet she may continue to seem self-centered and selfish, leaving her parents to feel they’ve failed: “How did we create a child who only cares about herself?”

A look at typical behavior may help parents see that it takes a long time for children to become consistently thoughtful. Many six- to nine-year-olds continue to act, at times, in self-centered ways. They can be uncaring to each other, particularly verbally: “You don’t know how to jump rope.” “You think you know everything.” “I don’t want to play with you!” They sometimes make themselves feel better by putting others down.

They may form groups that thoughtlessly exclude others. Sometimes a leader is chosen who assigns tasks and roles to a lucky few and tells everyone else they can’t play. Some groups pick on a particular child, seemingly oblivious to the misery they cause.

Children also continue to show self-centered behavior when they become overly competitive. As soon as one child finishes describing her plans or possessions, another may counter with something (real or made up) that is much bigger and better.

Kids don’t confine their selfishness to peers. At home, parents hear, “You’re the worst Mom in the world.” At times, their child may expect kindness but offers little back. She may also hurt her siblings’ feelings and exclude them: “You can’t play with us when my friends are over.”

Why do children act this way when their parents try so hard to teach them thoughtfulness? Development is gradual, but by the time they enter elementary school, most have come a long way from the self-centered behavior of preschoolers.

Parents often set high standards and demand that their child act in mature ways before she’s ready. It’s right and appropriate that parents expect her to be considerate, but it’s unrealistic to assume that an early elementary-aged child will be considerate all the time.

If parents are concerned about their child’s selfishness, they should look not just at isolated incidents, but at her overall pattern of behavior at home, school, and while visiting others. Does she generally think about other people’s feelings? When her parents remind her about being considerate, does she listen? Does she play what her friends want her to? Is she tolerant of her friends’ views? Is she interested in other children’s ideas? Does she share? Does she display appropriate manners with adults outside the family? If parents can answer, “Yes, most of the time,” for an eight- or nine-year-old, or, “Yes, often,” for a six- or seven-year-old, their child is on the right track.

When they’re worried, they can talk to their child’s teacher. A child, who seems self-centered at home, where she feels most comfortable, may be quite considerate with teachers and peers at school. If that’s the case, parents can relax. Their message is getting through and she’s learning to think of others.

Parents can learn more about her behavior by observing other kids of the same age. A particularly good way to do this is by accompanying a class field trip. When parents see how other children act, they gain insight and understanding and can better judge how self-centered their own child is compared with her peers.

When you observe her acting in self-centered ways, let her know what you expect. She learns by listening to you and watching you. Place firm limits on her selfish behavior: “I won’t allow you to talk to your friend that way.” “If you want to talk to me, you’ll have to change your tone.”

Have a calm discussion with her (this will be more successful with your seven- to nine- year- old then with a six-year-old). Explain how you’d like her to behave toward others and let her express her positive and negative feelings. When she believes you’re listening, she’ll be more likely to hear and absorb what you have to say. Role-playing can be effective. You should take her part and let her play the role of another child. When you say, “No, I won’t play with you,” ask how that makes her feel. Then, still role-playing, try to find solutions: “Is there something we can play together?” “Would you like to play ball with me?”

Remember to be thoughtful and considerate yourself. In interactions with your child, your spouse, and others, be respectful so she’ll have appropriate behavior to imitate. Encourage her to help others. She can occasionally contribute part of her allowance to charity, go with you to buy groceries for a bed-ridden neighbor, or help pick out toys and food for the needy.

Praise her when she thinks about other people and let her know how much you love her. A child who fails to live up to her parents expectations feels unsuccessful and may misbehave out of frustration. A child who feels good about herself is comfortable extending herself to others in a caring way.

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Children are familiar with curse words. They learn them from peers, siblings, and parents and they hear them on TV and at the movies. They partly experiment with these words to see the effects on playmates and parents. They whisper the words on the playground and tell stories about kids who got in trouble for saying bad things. Using profanity makes a child feel “tough” and grown up. It can also impress his friends and make him feel part of his peer group.

While most kids are interested in profanity, they also know that it’s unacceptable. They’ve heard their parents’ warnings. They often tattle on each other: “Phillip called me the 'B' word today!” “Anton said a dirty word!” They certainly wouldn’t use curse words with teachers, and they rarely would with other adults outside the home.

They do, however, occasionally use profanity in their own homes, often in the same ways that adults do, to show anger and frustration. Unlike adults, though, kids say curse words infrequently, quietly, and with a guilty look that shows they know they’re doing something wrong. As long as parents see those signs of guilt, they shouldn’t worry about their child’ profanity. He’s only trying out the words.

Some parents accept the occasional curse word at home, considering their child’s experimentation harmless. Others won’t allow any profanity in their home. Whatever your feelings, be assured that, as long as he knows profanity is unacceptable, you have no cause for alarm. If, however, he shows no signs of guilt about using curse words, or uses such words frequently, you should give more thought to the issue.

He may use profanity because he needs more positive attention than he’s getting from you and his friends. Cursing is a way of getting noticed, and to a child who feels neglected, negative attention is better than none at all. He also might be using profanity because you aren't giving him a clear enough message that it’s wrong. Set firm limits on his use of curse words and follow through if he ignores your warnings.

There’s one more reason your child may use excessive profanity—he may hear you use it so often that it seems natural to him. In order to stop him, you have to monitor your own language and act as a model for him.

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Parents spend a lot of time teaching their children to tell the truth. Most early elementary-aged children have learned not to tell serious lies, although they may continue to exaggerate and tell “little white lies.”

A number of factors help children learn to be truthful. First, most parents put strong limits on lying. Second, kids find that the consequences of lying include the temporary loss of parental acceptance and affection. Since they care very much about pleasing their parents, they’re reluctant to risk losing their approval. Third, when children know lying is wrong they feel guilty about doing it. Guilt is an uncomfortable feeling and a strong deterrent to negative behavior. Kids also resist lying when they discover it doesn’t get them what they hoped it would. And finally, they learn to be honest when the consequences of lying are worse than the consequences of telling the truth.

All children distort the truth to some extent, usually in minor ways. After all, they’re exposed daily to examples of questionable honesty. Parents say, “I’ll be off the phone in a minute,” and then they talk half an hour longer. Teachers say, “I’ll get to you soon,” but they leave the child waiting. Television commercials promise exciting toys, but children discover that the products don’t actually work or meet expectations. After watching a commercial, one child said, “They’re lying about what that doll does and you’re not supposed to lie.” They also hear adults telling intentional white lies and offering false excuses: “I’m so sorry I can’t make the meeting tonight, but I’m not feeling well,” or, “Sorry officer, I wasn’t aware I was speeding.”

The “minor” lies children tell often involved things they don’t want to do, such as brush their teeth or take a shower. A child will say, “Yes, I washed my hands,” when she hasn’t. Kids also commonly lie when confronted with open-ended questions from teachers or other authority figures (“Jason, were you playing around?” “Maria, are you wasting time over there?”). Many children will answer “No” because they hope to avoid a reprimand and believe they won’t get in trouble for lying in such a situation. The teacher will usually respond to a child’s “No” with only a reminder (“You need to get back to work,”) or the offer of a distraction (“You should start on your art project now.”).

Another common sort of lying occurs among peers. One child exaggerates or lies about her possessions because she wants to have the same things her friends have. She lies to give herself a sense of belonging. Others lie out of a competitive desire to impress their peers. Parents often overhear six- to nine-year-old making outrageous claims about their possessions and abilities. Sometimes such fibs lead to fights. The threat of losing friends may be enough to make a child tell the truth.

Although most children distort the truth occasionally, some continue to tell serious, frequent lies. They may do this because they find their parents’ discipline too threatening. If the consequences of misbehaving are very harsh, a child will lie to avoid them. And if parents impose heavy punishments for lying about the misbehavior, she may be even more afraid to admit the truth. She may reason that it’s better to lie on the chance that she’ll get away with it than to tell the truth and face certain, severe punishment. When she is confronted with her misbehavior and her lie, she may still refuse to tell the truth because the consequences are too frightening. She may instead blame a sibling or friend rather than face the inevitable confrontation. Basically, she tries to protect herself by denying the facts.

Parents whose child lies out of fear need to reevaluate the discipline they’re imposing. If they can deal with their child less harshly, she may eventually feel safe enough to tell the truth. They should continue to set limits and consequences for lying, but the limits and consequences have to be fair. If they’re excessive, she will continue to view lying as the better alternative.

Parents, of course, often find themselves in a bind. They want to punish misbehavior and reward honesty. But if their child is honest about misbehaving, the end result, from the child’s point of view, is negative. She still has to face the consequences. Parents have to handle this dilemma by evaluating each situation separately and making a special point of reinforcing honesty.

The way you talk to your child about lying is important. Instead of angrily shouting, “You’re lying again!” show some understanding of her position. Say, for example, “1 think you made up that story because you were afraid I’d get mad at you,” or, “Sometimes people don’t tell the truth because they’re worried about, getting in trouble,” or, “I think you lied because you thought, 1 wouldn’t let, you go to your friend’s birthday party.” if you’ve been overly harsh in your punishment, discuss that with her. Tell her you realize you’ve been getting too upset. Say, “I should be more patient with you.” She needs reassurance that you can accept the truth without, becoming excessively angry.

If you’ve eased up on your reactions and she’s still lying, look at other aspects of her life. Is she having problems in school? Is she able to make friends? Is she getting enough positive attention at home? Observe her at play and ask her teacher for observations and suggestions. Tell your child what you expect of her and talk about the effects her lies have on other children. As long as her lying isn’t excessive, you don’t need to worry. Just watch her behavior, reinforce examples of honesty, and continue talking about telling the truth.

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Aggression can be a positive or a negative trait in children, depending on how it’s channeled. Some aggressive kids start fights, while others put their energy into sports and hobbies. An aggressive child may be adventurous, taking risks and making discoveries, or he may be merely reckless. He may excel in school by putting extra effort into all his work or he may do poorly in school because of bad behavior.

Parents don’t worry about a child who is positively aggressive. He will be rewarded for his energy, enthusiasm, and drive. What parents do worry about is a child who, at six to nine years old, is belligerent and offensive to others.

Children who were aggressive as preschoolers often show less negative behavior as they get older because their energy is focused on school, friends, play, and organized activities. Still, many early elementary-aged children show occasional aggression and some are consistently rough. Parents need to watch and carefully control children’s aggressive behavior.

First, they should clearly tell their child what is and isn’t appropriate. A child doesn’t know how to act if his parents send confusing messages. Some try to excuse their child’s aggression by saying, ‘Oh, that’s just how boys act,” or, “At least he doesn’t hide his feelings.” Such attitudes don’t teach him that his negative behavior is unacceptable.

Instead of being ambiguous, they should tell him that fighting, hitting, and using abusive language is unacceptable: “I absolutely won’t allow you to behave that way.” Parents also should state the consequences of negative behavior so he knows what to expect: “If you treat Nick roughly, you’ll have to come inside.”

It’s important for parents to find the source of their child’s aggression. He may be copying abuses he sees or receives at home. If parents fight with each other, their child may fight with his siblings or peers, either to imitate his parents or to alleviate his feelings of fear, anger, and helplessness. If he doesn’t believe he can get away with open fighting, he might become sneaky about it. And if he feels his parents won’t listen to his feelings or change the way they treat him, he may act out his frustration in aggressive ways.

Some children are aggressive due to problems at school or because they generally feel inferior. They attack others to feel more powerful. Siblings sometimes fight because they think they’re being treated unfairly or because their parents actually do treat them in ways that encourage aggression, perhaps by favoring one or belittling another. The roots of aggression are sometimes difficult to find. If aggressive behavior continues over a long period, parents may need the guidance of a professional counselor.

In most cases, however, positive action taken by parents is enough to help a child control his behavior. They can offer him alternative ways to release his aggressive feelings and they can become role models for him.

If your child has a lot of aggressive energy, involve him in activities such as gymnastics, soccer, basketball, or another sport that will offer him a natural physical release for his emotions. When he’s angry, he can’t hit a friend, but he can kick a ball.

Talk to him about acceptable ways to express his feelings: “When you’re angry enough to hit your brother, you have to let him know with words, not actions. Tell him what’s making you so mad.” “If you feel yourself getting out of control, don’t hit—come to me for help.”

Let him see how you handle aggressive feelings in your own life. Show him how you talk out your problems, take time to cool off, or go for a walk until you feel calm. Kids imitate their parents and, if you can model appropriate behavior, he will learn from you.

Watch as he interacts with others. He may be aggressive in a playful way, tugging on a friend’s shirt, teasing, pretending to be in a wrestling match, or calling out insults. If the aggression seems benign, don’t interfere. But such behavior can escalate, and even if the tone stays playful, your child’s aggression can become very annoying to others. If you see that happening, firmly step in: “Suzanne doesn’t want you to push her like that.”

You can try to distract him and his friends with a new activity or different topic of conversation: “Come on in for a snack,” “Why don’t you show Sandy your new game?” “What did you think of the movie you saw last night?”

If distraction doesn’t work, you have to take control. Place limits on his aggressive behavior and tell him you expect him to change the way he acts with his friends. The combination of your anger and your ground rules – “No rough play or hitting” - may help him moderate his actions.

He may simply not yet have the inner controls to halt his aggressive behavior. That may be true even if he wants to change the way he acts. Until he acquires control, he will need you to offer guidelines and set limits.

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