My Science School

“I’m going to be a famous basketball player.”

“I’m going to live in a mansion and have a limousine.”

“I’m going to be president.”

Children between six and nine see unlimited possibilities. Their thinking is still magical, and they believe they’ll accomplish whatever they desire. Although they’re beginning to reason logically and organize their thoughts, they live in the “here-and-now.” If a child enjoys ice-skating, it seems logical to him that he can become a famous skater.

Kids think about the future, but they don’t think the way an adult does. They can’t put themselves in the place of someone who has worked hard to accomplish a goal. They don’t think about obstacles, expenses, time, or limited abilities. Instead, they have an innocent optimism that leads to dramatic conclusions: “When I grow up, I’m going to be a star!”

When your child tells you his grand plans, don’t feel you have to set him straight. One father, hearing that his daughter wanted to become an actress, lectured her on the practical side of working in the theater. She burst into tears.

Respect your child’s confident statements and try to learn more about his values and thinking. If he says he’s going to be rich, ask, “What will you do with all that money?” He might list what he’ll buy, but he might also say he’ll share the money with poor people. One child who said he was going to build a “Kids’ World Park” gave details about accommodating kids with disabilities.

Childhood is short. Through the years, your child will discover his own limitations and learn how the world really works. His innocence will gradually fade as he comes to terms with life’s realities. You do him no harm now by allowing him his fantasies and listening to his big dreams.

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Most young children believe in Santa Claus. They think he’s real, he comes to each home, and he brings all the Christmas presents. From earliest memory, kids are taught to believe in him and they rarely have reason to doubt until they turn six or seven. Even at those ages, many are convinced Santa is real.

Parents who encouraged their preschoolers to believe in Santa may have second thoughts when their kids get older. Is it right for a third-grader to believe Santa is real? Should parents tell the truth? Some want their children to hold onto the belief as long as possible, but other parents feel uneasy about misleading their older children.

By elementary age, most children have heard people say Santa isn’t real. Young friends say, “Santa is really your parents.” Older siblings tell younger ones, “Mom and Dad are the ones who buy the presents.” While some children discover the truth this way, some are unaffected. Their belief in Santa can’t be shaken: “Santa’s real at my house. He really comes and brings the presents, and he even eats the cookies we leave him.” In fact, children with very strong beliefs may reconvince doubters: “You’re right. Santa does bring the presents.”

Some children have a hard time giving up their belief in Santa. After all, he’s a wonderful, mystical person who brings gifts and pleasure. By the time a child is six, her vision of Santa is all-good and she no longer fears his judgment and his unusual appearance. She may hold onto her belief in him because it’s so comforting.

To find out what your own child thinks, ask, “Do you believe Santa’s real?” You may be surprised to learn she already knows the truth. Some children hesitate to share their knowledge because they fear they’ll disappoint their parents. If your child says she doesn’t believe in him, question her a little further to find out what her feelings are: “You believed in Santa for so many years. What made you change your mind? Who do you think delivers the presents?” Most likely, she’ll answer, “YOU!”

If she still believes in Santa or is only beginning to doubt him, you may be afraid of destroying her fantasy. Yet many six- to eight-year-olds are ready to find out the truth, even if they’re a bit disappointed. The truth can’t ruin Christmas for your child, because all the enjoyable and meaningful rituals will continue.

You might be reluctant to discuss Santa because you’re uncomfortable explaining why you misled your child. If she asks why you didn’t tell her the truth, or if she seems to doubt what you tell her now (“Are you sure you’re telling the truth? There really is no Santa?”), explain that having kids believe in Santa is a special part of the Christmas tradition. “When you first saw Santa, you thought he was real. We decided to go along. But now you’re asking questions and you’re old enough to understand.” Explain that your family won’t have to give up the spirit of Santa just because he isn’t real. Talk about what Santa represents - love, kindness, caring, and the spirit of giving. As your child gives up her long-held belief, show her that the values Santa represents will always be an important part of Christmas.

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As children get older, it gets harder to accept some of their habits. Thumb-sucking in particular bothers many parents who find it embarrassing and frustrating. While they tolerate thumb-sucking in a preschooler, they believe it’s inappropriate for an older child.

A six-year-old who sucks his thumb probably does so less often than he once did. This is partly because he’s now occupied with school, afterschool activities, and friends. Most children these ages are inclined to suck their thumbs in private or when they’re with family members.

Even though thumb-sucking decreases with age, most parents want their child to give up the habit completely. Parents may argue with their child over thumb-sucking and end up in angry confrontations and power struggles. Some parents back off for a while and others give up in anger, at a loss for what to do.

There are a number of reasons a six- or seven-year-old (or one who’s even older) sucks his thumb. It may be a well-established habit he hasn’t felt pressured to break, or he may not be emotionally ready to stop. He may suck his thumb at night to help himself fall asleep. If he feels insecure at school he may seek comfort through thumb-sucking, or he may do it when he faces family situations he can’t control such as sibling rivalry, divorce, or constant tension.

Sometimes a six- or seven-year-old gives up thumb-sucking in response to teasing and peer pressure: “Ooh, you still suck your thumb. That’s for babies! I stopped sucking my thumb when I was four!” However, a child with a strong thumb-sucking habit may not respond at all to negative comments or care if other people watch him.

To help your child give up thumb-sucking, first talk to him about it. Pick a time when you’re both calm and tell him your feelings and ideas. Acknowledge his desire to keep sucking his thumb but let him know how much you want him to stop. You can ask for his suggestions: “How can we help you give up this habit?” Remember that while thumb-sucking is a problem for you, it may not seem like one to him.

You can suggest that your child wear a bandage on his thumb to remind him not to suck, or you can gently signal him when he puts his thumb in his mouth. This is more effective than abruptly pulling on his hand or angrily saying, “Take your thumb out of your mouth!”

Try distractions that occupy his hands - playing with clay or helping in the kitchen. You might want to work out an agreement. If he stops sucking his thumb, he gets a reward. One family kept a daily chart for their daughter, and after a week of checkmarks for not sucking her thumb, she got a special game.

Ask trusted friends for suggestions. And if one technique doesn’t work, try another. One family bought their child a fancy glove to keep her thumb covered. Some parents paint a foul-tasting liquid on their child’s thumb, or have the dentist place a special tooth guard in their child’s mouth. Don’t try either method without getting your child’s permission. You should never force such methods.

As you help your child give up his habit, create an atmosphere of respect in your home and try to keep him from feeling humiliated or embarrassed because of his thumb sucking. Then don’t let your other children make fun of him. If he seems particularly anxious, he may be feeling too pressured. You might want to slow down your attempts to eliminate his habit, or hold off for a few weeks.

Throughout this process, give lots of positive feedback; “You’re really trying hard. I appreciate what you’re doing.” Don’t be surprised if steps forward are followed by steps backward. It’s not easy for him to give up thumb-sucking, especially if the initiative is yours and not his.

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      Children under seven generally follow their parents’ lead when it comes to believing in imaginary characters. If parents encourage their child to believe the tooth fairy is real, she’s likely to go along with them. And if they tell their child there is no such thing as the tooth fairy, she’ll accept that as fact.

      Of course, she may figure the truth out on her own, especially if she’s awake when her parents put money under her pillow. “Dad, I saw you! You’re the tooth fairy!” Some kids hear the truth from older siblings. However, having older siblings can sometimes make a child believe more firmly, since tooth fairy visits have been part of household lore from the child’s early years.

      Children often ask each other, “Do you believe in the tooth fairy?” While they may take different positions, they rarely quarrel about the issue. Instead they’ll say, “Jermaine believes in the tooth fairy but I know it’s my parents,” or, “Sarah doesn’t believe in the tooth fairy but I do!”

      Children who do believe in the tooth fairy sometimes worry about getting the rituals right. If a child’s misplaced her tooth at school or at a friend’s house, or if she didn’t notice it fall out or swallowed it, she may be afraid the tooth fairy won’t visit. Another common fear is that she won’t get to keep the truth; many children are interested in their teeth and don’t want to give them up to the tooth fairy.

      When your child has one of these concerns, let her know she’ll receive a gift under her pillow whether the tooth is there or not. If you want her to continue believing in the tooth fairy, suggest that she leave the fairy a message explaining the special circumstances.

      At some point your child may ask, “Are you the tooth fairy?” Ask her what she thinks. If she really knows the truth, explain that you are and then add, “It was fun to pretend a fairy was leaving you gifts,” or, “I enjoyed thinking about the tooth fairy when I was little, and I thought you would too.”

      If you choose not to teach your child to believe in the tooth fairy, the two of you can still have fun with the idea. You can both pretend the fairy is real and you can leave your child funny notes “from the fairy.” If you don’t want to talk of a fairy at all, you can leave a special treat “from Mom and Dad” under her pillow.

      Magical thinking slowly disappears during the elementary years and eventually all children realize the tooth fairy isn’t real. Still, the myth is an enjoyable one whether your child believes or just plays along. Getting a treat - money, stickers, baseball cards, or a small toy - makes losing a tooth even more special.

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      Losing a first tooth is a milestone for children. From kindergarten on, they look forward to the event as a sign that they are truly growing up. Adults often forget how important the experience is and how devastated a child can feel if he’s one of the last in his group to have a loose tooth.

      If your child is upset because he has “slow teeth,” spend time listening to him and reassuring him. Even though his problem is a mild one, don’t lightly dismiss his unhappiness because his feelings are very real. He wants to experience what his friends and classmates have gone through. If he has older siblings, he’s seen them get money or a gift along with a lot of attention for losing teeth. It’s natural that he wants to be part of this.

      He may have a kindergarten or first grade teacher who makes a fuss over lost teeth. Some classrooms have colorful wall charts showing how many teeth each student has lost, and some teachers offer special privileges on the day a tooth comes out. This can be hard for some kids, especially those with end-of-the-year birthdays who are likely to lose teeth later than their older classmates. If your child is unhappily waiting for his first loose tooth, such schools activities may make him feel worse.

      Fortunately, you can promise him that he’ll lose a tooth. While you wait, you can read him some comforting books about other children in his situation. One mother wrote soothing notes to her child, saying that the tooth fairy knew all about him and would be visiting one day. Other parents suggest that their six- or seven-year-olds wiggle their front teeth looking for a hint of movement. Even if it takes months for a tooth to fall out, a child will feel better as soon as he detects a bit of looseness.

      Occasionally, the first tooth a child loses is one a dentist extracts. If your child has to go through this procedure because of dental problems, talk to him about what will happen. If he’s anxious, let the dentist, know and ask for help in reassuring your child. If your child wants you close by during the extraction, plan to stay with him. However, if you anticipate an outburst, you might want to send him off with just the dentist and assistant. Some children are more in control of their emotions when their parents aren’t with them.

      Before and after the tooth is pulled, tell your child about the “treasure” he’ll get at the dentist’s office and the surprise he’ll find under his pillow. Even though the extraction is unpleasant, when it’s done, he’ll still have the excitement of having lost his first tooth.

“Sit there until you finish your peas.”

“If you don’t have room for salad, you don’t have room for dessert.”

“Just take three more bites.”

“If you don’t eat what’s on your plate, you won’t get anything for the rest of the night.”

Parents say and do all sorts of things to get their children to eat. Some threaten, others bargain, and some make their children sit at the dinner table for hours after the rest of the family has left.

As most parents find out, coercion doesn’t “cure” a picky eater. Parents need only think back to their own childhoods. They were probably forced to try a food that was unappetizing or to finish eating when they were already full. Some people never get over such experiences; one father who was forced to have spinach as a child still won’t it.

Picky eating is usually the result of stress and arguments about the quantity and variety of food. Parents who pressure their child at meal-time may make her lose her appetite. A child who has no control over what, when, and how much she eats feels powerless and frustrated - as an adult in the same situation would. She may angrily demand certain foods or react passively by picking at what’s on her plate and taking tiny bites. In either case, she’s not consciously trying to manipulate her parents, but rather acting out her sense of helplessness.

Picky eaters may avoid tastes and textures they find unappealing. In some stressful situations, a child may be psychologically unable to eat certain foods. One girl found cooked vegetables so repulsive she cried at the thought of eating them.

Picky eaters also may refuse to try new foods—perhaps they’ve been pressured too often to taste something different. A child who has faced frequent arguments about trying or finishing new foods finds it safer to stick to the few dishes she likes.

Parents may inadvertently create a picky eater if they pressure their child to eat large quantities of food or finish what’s on her plate. A child with a small appetite can’t help but feel upset if she’s urged to eat more, and more often, than she wants.

When parents try to coerce her into eating, the results usually are negative. First, meals become unpleasant times of arguments and power struggles. Also, children resort to sneakiness, either taking the foods they want (usually sweets) or secretly disposing of foods they won’t eat. Some children hide their unwanted food into their napkin, and then throw the napkin away. One child managed to slide her peas behind the refrigerator. Another put bits of food on her father’s plate when he wasn’t looking. And there are always children who feed their food to the family pet.

If your child is a picky eater, the first approach you should try is removing mealtime pressure. Although your goal is to keep your child well-nourished and healthy, you shouldn’t force her to eat. Children who willingly eat well-balanced meals and try a variety of foods usually have been fed with a low-stress approach. From an early age, they’ve been allowed to pick and choose, without pressure, from an assortment of foods that are acceptable to their parents. If you create such an atmosphere in your home now, your child’s eating habits likely will improve.

First, let her determine how much she wants to eat. Since her eating patterns are well-established, you have a realistic idea of her appetite. Don’t urge her to eat more than she usually does. She’ll eat enough to keep from being hungry. If you believe she’s underweight or exceptionally small, don’t force her to eat extra food. Instead, discuss your concerns with your pediatrician, who may offer suggestions or otherwise reassure you.

When possible, prepare foods that you know your child will eat, and don’t pressure her to try new foods. Once she feels she can accept or reject something new without angering you, she may be more willing to taste what you offer. You also can try giving her choices - if she doesn’t eat carrots, offer her another vegetable or a different healthy food.

Be careful not to humiliate or tease her about being a picky eater. If you let her know you accept her eating habits, she’ll feel more relaxed at mealtimes. You may be embarrassed if she acts picky when eating at someone else’s house, but you can help ease the pressure there, too. Usually, others will pay no attention to what she eats. If your host asks ahead of time, let her know that your child has a small appetite or eats only certain foods. Most people are understanding of children’s needs.

If you eliminate mealtime stress and your child is still excessively picky, look further for reasons. She may feel overly controlled in other areas of her life and may try to exert some power by rejecting food. It’s also possible that she will remain a picky eater no matter what you do. Some people, including adults, are just very particular about food.

It takes patience to deal with a picky eater, but the rewards can be great. Once your child believes she has some control over what she eats, both she and you will feel calmer. Then, instead of focusing on what and how much she’s eating, your family can concentrate on enjoying mealtimes together.

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      Some children still periodically climb into their parents’ bed. Kids who formed this habit during their early years may take a while to grow out of it. Originally they had a strong emotional need to be with their parents at night. After the need is gone, the habit may linger.

      Many parents are not concerned about the practice, primarily because their child goes to sleep in his own bed as independently as other kids his age do. Although he spends many nights on his own, he still sometimes prefers, with gradually decreasing frequency, to be with his parents if he wakes during the night.

       Some children seek comfort with their parents because they’ve had a nightmare or they aren’t feeling well. Others find their way into their parents’ bed during times of stress or after their parents return from a vacation. If parents’ busy schedules leave little time for him, he may want to sleep in their bed as a way of having contact with them. Most often, however, children climb into their parents’ bed out of habit. The habit will eventually disappear during these years.

       If you’re bothered by your child’s continuing nighttime visits and want to end them now, talk to him about the situation. He’s old enough to understand and accept your expectations. Tell him, “Since you’re getting older, we want you to sleep in your bed for the whole night. If you need us during the night, come and let us know.” He may follow your wishes immediately or slowly adjust to the new routine.

      If he resists sleeping in his own room, try to find out why. One set of parents discovered that their daughter came into their bed at night to stop them from arguing. Ask your child what he thinks will help him stay in his own bed. Suggest that he sleep with a stuffed animal or an extra light. You might even try rearranging his room to make it more comfortable. More than anything, he will be helped by your reassurance.

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      Many parents believe that six- to nine-year-old should go to bed on their own without arguing, and when their own child doesn’t, they feel frustrated. They get tired of saying, “Brush your teeth.” “Now put on your pajamas.” “Now put your clothes away.” They also are bothered if she dawdles or gets up once she’s been put to bed.

     Independent bedtime habits develop slowly. Most children can fall asleep without having their parents stay with them, and many can take care of their middle-of-the-night needs: going to the bathroom, getting a drink, finding an extra blanket. However, it’s still common for young children to need help at bedtime. Most require prodding at night and some won’t get ready at all unless their parents guide them through almost every step of the process. All these reminders are necessary because they have difficulty separating themselves from their activities. They’d much rather continues playing or watching TV. And because bedtime is of no interest to them, they’re easily distracted and need to be kept on track. The procrastination that bothers so many parents is the result of the young child’s inability to focus on something she doesn’t want to do.

     Children this age also need their parents for bedtime rituals, which continue to be important. Some kids can’t go to sleep without a story, a conversation, or a hug and a kiss. In busy families or on rushed days, bedtime may be the only time parents and children have quiet contact.

     While most children need some parental help at night, if your child has consistent trouble at bedtime, try to find out why. Observe her and talk to her about the problem. Depending on her age, there might be a simple explanation. Perhaps she’s hungry and needs a snack in the evening. She may avoid bedtime because she’s afraid of imaginary creatures or the dark and wants to put off going to sleep as long as possible. If that’s the case, spend fifteen minutes or so in her room while she falls asleep; try keeping a light on at night or suggesting that she sleep with a personal treasure or newly received gift. She may also sleep more securely in a room shared with a sibling.

     Your child may have trouble because she simply isn’t tired. Some parents, understandably eager for time alone in the evenings, set early bedtimes without considering their child’s actual sleep needs. If you know that your child isn’t sleepy, you can send her to bed later or set a flexible bedtime, including later hours on weekends. As an alternative to changing her bedtime, you can stick to the early hour but allow her to do something quiet in her room, such as read, draw, do a puzzle, or listen to music before she falls asleep.

     If her bedtime problems just seem to be habitual, you’ll have to set limits and tell her the consequences of too much dawdling: “If you don’t get ready quickly, you won’t have time to play before bed.” “When you take so long to get in bed, I don’t have time to read to you.” It’s important to anticipate evening struggles rather than let annoyances build up to an angry battle of wills.

      You also can try rewarding your child for getting ready on time: “If you’re in bed in five minutes, I’ll let you listen to a tape before you fall asleep.” One child would get ready quickly in order to hear favorite stories about her family.

      Bedtime will be less stressful if you try to be patient and remember that your child will gradually assume her own bedtime responsibilities. Meanwhile, as long as she responds to your reminders and does get ready, you don’t have to worry or feel defeated. If there are evening arguments, try to resolve them with a bedtime talk. Discuss what happened that day, tell your child about something exciting that’s coming up, suggest that you both try a little harder to cooperate with each other, and remind her of how special she is.

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       As a child approaches the end of his preschool years, his parents begin to consider his readiness for kindergarten. Some parents confidently envision their child in kindergarten, but others, particularly those whose children have mid- to late-in-the-year birthdays, wonder if he’s ready for this major step. There are school districts that require children with late birthdays to wait an extra year before starting kindergarten, but most districts let parents choose whether to enroll their child during his fifth or sixth year. Because a child’s success in the first year of school lays the foundation for later success, the decision to send a child to kindergarten must be made carefully and in his best interests.  

       Parents sometimes assume that a child who’s been to day care or nursery school is automatically prepared for kindergarten, but it’s a different experience in a number of ways. Children in kindergarten are expected to spend scheduled amounts of time sitting and working on specific academic skills. Although play is considered part of the daily program, emphasis is placed on group and individual academic work and on following a set curriculum. Kindergartners become part of a large school community that operates under new rules and expectations. And children find that their parents, who are excited about kindergarten, may begin to put emphasis on “doing well.”

       Chronological age is the major factor determining kindergarten readiness, but naturally there are related factors parents should consider: cognitive or intellectual development, social and emotional development, and physical size. If a child is five to eleven months younger than other kindergartners, he may display behavior that’s significantly different from his classmates’. Even if he’s advanced in one area of development such as academics, he may generally be functioning at a level lower than expected for his age group.

       Another area of concern should be social and emotional development. A child who’s socially or emotionally immature may have a difficult time accommodating to his teacher’s demands. He may seem unwilling to behave as kindergartners should, when actually he’s unable to act more mature. He may have a hard time working and playing cooperatively with his classmates and this may cause him to be labeled a “behavior problem.” Naturally, if he’s labeled this way, his self-image will be affected, and ultimately, he may continue misbehaving because he feels frustrated and angry over his inability to do what’s expected of him.

       A child who lags behind socially but is advanced academically poses a dilemma for his parents, who may be concerned about holding him back an extra year. They may think he will not be challenged in academic areas if he waits and attends kindergarten with younger children, yet, if the imbalance between social and intellectual development is striking, he’s probably not developmentally ready for kindergarten.

       To evaluate overall readiness for kindergarten, parents should first look at their child’s cognitive development. When a child is functioning academically below kindergarten level, he sometimes can be helped through individualized instruction from teachers and specialists. But the child who’s lagging behind often has a hard time catching up because learning in certain areas is too difficult for him. Despite the instructional support, he might think he’s “not as good” as his peers, and he may feel unnecessary stress because he can’t cope with the demands of school. When this happens, he’ll probably show signs of disliking school, say he hates school, or exhibit behavioral problems. Academic struggles in kindergarten often establish a pattern that can continue for years.

      Another factor parents should consider is size and physical development. When a child is several months younger than the average kindergarten student, he also may be smaller than his classmates. Size and age are important to young children, who frequently check each other to see who’s tallest or oldest. And since children often begin to lose their teeth during the kindergarten year, a younger child might be frustrated and unhappy if he doesn’t lose teeth when his older friends do. Being the youngest and smallest can put a child in a vulnerable position in the classroom, although this naturally would be more of a problem for a child who’s reserved and quiet rather than boisterous and outgoing.

       If you’re unsure about your child’s readiness for kindergarten, seek opinions from others, including professionals. If your child has been to day care or nursery school, the first people you contact will probably be his teachers. Since they have a basic understanding of kindergarten requirements and have had many opportunities to observe children, they’ll be able to advise you. As long as you like and trust them, their judgment may be very helpful. If you continue to have questions, seek the opinion of a developmental specialist who assesses school readiness. Your pediatrician also may be of help in addressing your concerns. Friends who have held their children back a year can share their thoughts with you, and elementary school counselors or principals will discuss the issue and offer information on kindergarten readiness.

       Most parents who have held their children back a year have not regretted the extra time for growing and maturing. The child who starts kindergarten when he’s developmentally ready is better able to meet academic demands and get along with others throughout his schooling. When children don’t have to struggle to keep up, they develop a strong sense of self-confidence, and this provides a good foundation for the school years.

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       Parents enroll their child in community recreation classes so he can pick up new skills and enjoy himself. Sometimes these classes are well-run and satisfying, but other times they’re poorly taught and disappointing. In order to choose classes wisely, parents should try to observe programs before registering, and consider which activities are most appropriate. Then, once class sessions begin, they should monitor the program and help their child adjust.

      Before you sign up for a class, watch a session taught by the instructor your child will have. Although it may be difficult for you to arrange an observation, it’s worth the effort. Many recreation programs sound exciting when described in catalogs and brochures, but turn out to be boring or inadequate. If possible, take your child along so he can let you know if he’s interested.

       As you watch a class session, ask yourself these questions: how structured is the program? Does it look like fun? Do the children seem to be enjoying themselves? How does the instructor respond to a child who’s hesitant about joining the group? Is there unnecessary pressure on children to conform and achieve? Does the teacher seem to nurture creativity? Does she say, “I like the way you did that,” rather than, “You can do better than that?” Does she accept a child’s limitations? How large is the class? Do children get a chance to show the teacher what they can do? Do they have to spend much time waiting for turns?

      If you decide to enroll your child in a class, briefly prepare him for the first session. Talk to him about the instructors, the equipment, the clothes he’ll wear, and any friends who’ll be in the class. Let him know about transportation arrangements and where you’ll be while the class meets. And since most children wonder about the availability of bath-rooms, tell him that the recreation program has bathrooms.

       On the first day of class, you’ll notice that some children quickly join in the activities while others have difficulty adjusting. If your child is reluctant to get involved, you might feel discouraged and embarrassed, especially if the other class members are having an easy time. You might also feel alone, questioning your parenting abilities and wondering what you’ve done to make your child shy and unwilling to participate. You might feel angry at your child, particularly if it was his idea to take the class.

       In such a situation, a supportive teacher can help by smiling, waving, coming over to talk, and generally letting your child know he’s accepted even if he doesn’t choose to participate right away. You’ll also feel more comfortable if the other parents in the group are supportive rather than judgmental. While you’re encouraging your child to participate, try not to pressure him but rather accept his hesitancy and, if necessary, sit with him until he’s ready to join the group.

       In later class sessions, he may continue to resist joining in or may become disenchanted with the program. Perhaps the instructor overwhelms him, the other children seem too big, he’s not ready to separate from you, the teachers’ (or your) expectations create too much pressure, he’s unwilling to join in because you’re watching, or the class is not what he thought it would be. He may have had his own fantasies about the program, imagining he’d be free to jump on the trampoline, do somersaults, or improvise his own craft projects. But most programs allow little freedom--children are told what to do and how to do it, and they spend a lot of time waiting for their turns.

       It’s not unusual for a child’s interest in a recreation program to dwindle as the weeks go by. You may hear, “I’ll go another day,” or “I don’t want to go.” Often because of a rigid structure or intense competition, the classes stop being fun. Think back to your own experience with recreation programs. The classes that you enjoyed and continued to attend were ones that provided fun, acceptance, and positive feedback. The ones you disliked made you feel unaccepted and pressured.

       If your child wants to drop out of a recreation class, discuss the situation with him and then with the instructors. They can help you decide whether you should spend some sessions helping your child adjust, or whether he should stop attending. Don’t force him to continue in a class he’s not enjoying, since such pressure is likely to increase his resistance to all classes. And don’t worry that quitting will make him a habitual “quitter.” He’s too young to have understood what he was getting into, or to need a lesson in perseverance. Just continue to expose him to a variety of experiences and activities so he can figure Out what interests him and develop new skills.

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       ADD has become a common--and at times controversial--childhood “disorder.” Children are diagnosed with it when they have trouble paying attention to tasks, especially ones they’re not interested in. While a preschooler may be identified as having ADD, more often a child is diagnosed during the early elementary years, when his teachers or parents begin complaining about how distractible he is: “He just doesn’t focus.” “He’s too hard to handle.”

       There’s no consistent chemical evidence for ADD, and while it’s certainly a real disorder, a growing number of people feel that it’s over-diagnosed by pediatricians, therapists, and even educators. Children who truly have ADD typically have additional neurobiological difficulties, including visual, auditory, or motor problems. But any child who says, “I forgot,” and who dawdles before going to school, procrastinates over homework or chores, is boisterous or temperamental, or gets involved in something other than what he’s directed to do could potentially be labeled ADD and medicated for the condition.

       One mother reported two examples of what she believed was ADD behavior in her five-year-old: “He sits at dinner with one leg hanging off the side of the chair, and he doesn’t listen when I tell him to stay close by me in the mall.” When asked what she does about these things, she responded, “Nothing! He has ADD so he can’t help it.”

      Too often, the diagnosis of ADD and the medication that follows are either a catch-all method of dealing with a seemingly difficult, but normal, child or an excuse for not setting firm limits, spending time with him, and meeting his needs at home or at school. Parents and teachers worried by the increase in ADD need to know that there are a variety of other, more common reasons why a young child would have trouble listening to adults or paying attention to his responsibilities.

       Many children are simply spirited by nature, or they may act out in aggressive ways because they’re not receiving enough calm, positive attention. A child may feel stress because of his parents’ divorce, a new sibling, or school pressures. Often, parents haven’t helped their child learn to get along with others, and haven’t given him enough guidance and discipline.

       A rarely discussed contributor to ADD-like behavior can be day care, where many children, starting at age two, follow a rigid schedule initiated by teachers. Frequent changes from one activity to another mean a child can’t focus for long periods or get involved in something interesting without constant interruptions. The schedule basically trains him not to pay careful attention.

       Here is a typical day for a young child in a day care program. He may wake as early as 5:30 A.M. so his family can leave home by 6:00 to get to day care by 6:30. He’s rushed as he gets dressed, and there’s time to play before driving off. Once he arrives at the day care center his schedule is packed (only naptime lasts longer than an hour).

 6:30 A.M.              Arrives and says good-bye to his parents whom he won’t see again for ten to twelve hours.

6:30-7:00               Breakfast

7:00-8:00               Table games, puzzles, quiet activities

8:00-8:30               Story

8:30-9:15               Art activity

9:15-9:45               Snacks

9:45-10:30             Outdoor play

10:30-11:15          Circle time with teacher-directed activity

11:15-11:30          Wash up and prepare for lunch

11:30-12:00           Lunch

12:00-2:00             Nap

2:00-2:30               Snack                                                                                                                         

2:30-3:15              Outdoor play

3:15-4:00               free play

4:00-4:30               Story

4:30-5:00                Music

5:00-6:00                Table activities, puzzles, Lagos, clean up, and preparation to leave.

       At 6:00 P.M., the child is picked up and taken home or on an errand. His family arrives home between 6:30 and 7:00, and he plays or watches TV until dinner. Then he plays for a short while before bath, story, and bed at 8:30, or later if he had a long nap at day care.

       Children do this day after day, often for four or five years. While the day care schedule may seem to keep them busy and enriched, it actually operates counter to their needs. According to development list Erik Erikson, preschoolers have important tasks at this developmental stage: they need to initiate ideas; plan, carry out, and persevere in activities; and set goals. This is how they learn to focus, concentrate, and follow through.

       Yet, children in many day care programs are not focusing and following through enough. All day, they’re required to share or give up whatever they’re using before they’re done. They often don’t have time to finish what they start before teachers interrupt to get them ready for the next activity. The starting and stopping and the lack of flexibility keep them from learning to concentrate for extended periods. The frustration can make them uncooperative and fidgety. By the time a child gets to kindergarten or first grade, his teachers may be pointing out his ADD-like behavior.

       If you suspect your child has ADD or if he’s already been diagnosed, don’t give him medication unless you and your physician believe it’s absolutely necessary. There are many other strategies you can try first. If he’s in day care, look for programs with more flexible schedules. Limit TV, video game, and computer time; instead, spend more time with him, playing together and paying attention to his interests. Highlight his capabilities, nurture his curiosity, and give him opportunities to initiate activities. Slow down, let him finishes what he starts, and doesn’t stress clean-up over discovery and creativity.

       You also need to make discipline a priority. Set clear limits on his inappropriate behavior, follow through with consequences, and redirect him toward more positive activities. Look for underlying reasons for his misbehavior. Help him learn to control his impulses, and consistently teach him right from wrong.

       All children have some trouble concentrating, especially when they’d rather be doing something else. If your child shows ADD-like behavior it will take time for him to learn to focus on important tasks. But with your involvement and patience and his teachers’ cooperation, he should eventually be able to follow directions and pay attention without needing medication.

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       Many preschool and day care programs claim to be “academic,” teaching very young children to count, recite the alphabet, and learn various concepts. Such emphasis on educational activities is part of a larger, society-wide push to have children learn more, faster. Publishers put out educational books and software; toy companies manufacture educational games; television shows teach the alphabet and numbers. Because of pressure from friends, neighbors, some child development professionals, and the media, many parents feel concerned if their two-, three- or four-year-old hasn’t yet learned shapes, colors, letters, and numbers.

       It’s possible to teach a young child to memorize and then recite back almost any short list, including the numbers from one to ten and the alphabet. But comprehension of such concepts doesn’t usually begin until she’s four to six years old. A three-year-old may know that saying “1, 2, 3, 4,” is called counting, but she probably won’t understand that the number 6 represents six objects. To her, learning the alphabet is like learning to recite in a foreign language without knowing the meaning of the words.

       A child can’t be taught to understand concepts before she is ready. Gradually, as she experiments with objects, questions her parents and other people, observes her environment, and explores, she’ll learn what words and numbers mean. If her natural curiosity is encouraged and she has materials to experiment with, she’ll learn concepts easily. But too much emphasis on early education may discourage her and diminish her natural drive to learn. Parents should wait until their child shows a spontaneous interest in letters, words, and concepts, and then follow up on what she can do.

       There’s no need for schools and parents to provide excessive amounts of educational materials for young children. Colors, shapes, numbers, and words are part of whatever children do, so they learn about these things naturally. Every day, a child hears, “Put on your blue shorts,” “Do you want the red or the green crayon?” “Here are three crackers,” “Look at that big truck.” She has constant exposure to such concepts as same and different (milk is different than juice, Morn is different than Dad), soft and hard, big and little. She hears adults counting, sees them reading, and observes letters and numbers everywhere. She gets a natural jump on literacy when her parents read to her daily, patiently repeating her favorite stories.

       You will gradually hear your child ask, “How many is this?” “What color is this?” “What does this say?” She’ll begin to count out loud, at first getting the numbers out of order, and she’ll write letters on paper, often creating nonsense words or writing her name backwards. Try not to correct her but rather encourage her to keep counting and keep writing. She’ll learn at her own pace—without pressure because she’s interested and self-motivated. Then, starting with kindergarten and first grade, you’ll see her make great strides in literacy and math.

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       When parents work full-time outside the home, they often send their child to a day care center. Yet, eight to twelve hours a day, five days a week is a long time for parents and children to be apart, and the separation takes an emotional toll on parents. They miss their child particularly when he first begins a program, and they worry about the care he’s receiving. Is he happy? Safe? Are his teachers taking an interest in him? Does he have friends?

       Parents may feel guilty because they fear that day care will have a negative effect on their child. If they see his behavior change, they wonder if it’s because of his program. They feel bad about not spending enough time with him, and a mother, especially, may wonder whether she should have gone to work full-time in the first place. Even when parents and child are together in the evenings, the effects of work and day care continue. There’s never enough time together at home and parents who want time for themselves feel guilty about not paying enough attention to their child.

       If you’re concerned about having your child in a full-time program, your feelings are natural. There are things you can do to lessen your guilt and worry and to solve some of the child care-related problems you experience. The most important step is to reassure yourself about your child’s well-being by staying in close contact with his teachers. Call the center periodically and find out how he’s doing. If the teachers agree (and they should), ask that he be brought to the phone so you can talk to him. When you have a chance, drop by the day care unannounced so you can observe him at play. You will feel better if you see him happily involved.

       If you suspect that he’s not happy, don’t ignore the problem, even if you feel desperate about the need for child care. It takes a great deal of effort and energy to become involved in your child’s day care situation; some parents avoid or deny all problems because they don’t have the time, desire, or energy to cope. Others are afraid even to question their child about his day for fear he’ll say something negative.

       If you’re worried about your child’s adjustment to day care, you have to become involved enough to help him. Make sure the quality of his program remains high—don’t compromise. Spend as much time as possible with him when you’re home in the evenings and on weekends. Look to other parents for support and advice. Finally, reconsider your need to work outside the home or to work full-time. You and your child could benefit greatly if you were able to stay home with him as much as possible during the few short years before elementary school.

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       When a child begins day care or nursery school, she and her family face the issues of separation and independence. A four- or five-year-old will probably go off without much difficulty, but many children under three have a hard time leaving their parents. Parents can make the transition from home a little easier if they talk to their child about what will be happening and patiently reassure her.

       You can begin preparing your child several weeks before her new program starts. If she previously went with you to visit the school or center, remind her of what she saw: “Remember the blocks and puzzles you played with there?” If she’s never seen the school, describe the building, the toys, and the activities. Let her know about snacks, lunch, and naps, and reassure her that the school has bathrooms and places for her coat and other belongings. Mention the name of some-one she knows who will be in the program with her; if she doesn’t know anyone in the school; tell her there will be many other children her age there. If you know who your child’s teachers will be, tell her their names.

       If your child is under two, you won’t be able fully to prepare her for nursery school or day care because she won’t understand much of what you tell her, although you can still describe whatever you think will interest her. She will basically have to experience the new program and the separation firsthand. You and your child’s caretakers will have to be understanding and nurturing as she adjusts in the early weeks of school, and you may have to be flexible about your own schedule so you can take her home early if necessary.

       On the first day of school, before you leave home, talk to her about the separation that’s coming: “After we get to the classroom, I’ll stay for a few minutes and then say good-bye.” Tell her what time you’ll be coming back and what your driving arrangements will be. If she’ll be in a car pool, tell her who will drive. For the first few days of school you may want to do the driving yourself to help her adjust to her new situation.

       Be patient as you say good-bye to her the first few days. Many children, especially those under three years old, have a difficult time leaving their parents, particularly if the program lasts a full day. Your child may want to say good-bye several times, or she may cry. Don’t threaten her or say, “Be good and stop crying,” or, “Be a big girl.” She needs support, not pressure. You might be able to eliminate some of her anxiety by letting her bring along a favorite toy or blanket. Try arriving at school fifteen minutes early so you can spend more time with her before you go. Or give her a special little treat when she gets in the car or a “love” note or picture to carry into school with her.

      You should not try to sneak out of the school without saying good-bye, even if you think such an action might keep your child from crying. Eventually she will notice you’re gone and may become frightened and upset. Although it’s painful to see your child cry as you go, you should still say good-bye to her. You might feel better if you wait outside the classroom door, listening for a few minutes until she’s calmed down.

       As time goes by, she may continue to have trouble leaving you at the school door. Children two years old and younger don’t understand that you’ll return, no matter how often you tell them. This may make them anxious in the morning and off and on throughout the day. Consult with your child’s teachers. They may be able to help by giving your child extra comfort and reassurance, and getting her involved in activities.

       It might take your child several weeks to adjust to school or day care, and during that time you may see some changes in behavior such as bed-wetting, nightmares, decreased appetite, more frequent whining, and reluctance to go to school. Getting used to a program is more difficult for some children than others, but most children are affected in some way during the early days of a new situation. You’ll have to be patient and understanding as your child adjusts.

       If, after several months, she’s still showing behavioral changes and seems unhappy, talk to her teachers and stay to observe the program. You might even drop in unexpectedly to see how she is, and to try to find out why she isn’t enjoying herself. As you watch her, ask yourself the following questions: does she seem to have friends she enjoys? Is she one of the youngest children in the group? (If she is, she may feel less confident and accepted.) Is she getting enough attention from her teachers? If the program seems inappropriate, take her out and find a better one. But if you’re unsure, wait a bit before making your decision. Your child just might need an extra amount of understanding and time to adjust to day care or school.

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       Stay-at-home parents feel pressure to send their child to preschool since most children go to some sort of program and child care professionals generally recommend it. Parents who keep their child home until elementary school often face the disapproval of friends and relatives. People ask, “How will he learn to socialize?” “Isn’t he ready?” “How can you get anything done with him around all day?” “Aren’t you afraid he’ll miss out?” “How will he be prepared for kindergarten?”

       There are a number of good reasons why a child might not go to preschool. When there’s a new baby in the family, some parents keep their older child home so he won’t feel rejected or pushed out. The expense of nursery school deters other families, either because they can’t afford the fees or don’t think the experience is worth the cost. Some parents are unable to find a nursery school that seems appropriate for their child, and some want to be with their child full-time until elementary school begins. Finally, some parents keep their child at home because they welcome the freedom: when there are no school schedules to follow, parent and child can wake up when they want, go on outings together, and stay outdoors as long as they like.

       A child who stays out of nursery school will not be harmed socially. He’ll have chances to play with siblings, neighborhood children, and friends who attend part-time or half-day programs. His parents also can enroll him in once-a-week recreation classes and set up a visiting arrangement with other children who don’t attend nursery school.

      When a child does go to nursery school, his parents often marvel at how he changes. He seems more cooperative and knowledgeable, and they attribute his growth to the school. But Parents whose children stay at home also see these changes. Young children naturally mature and develop as they get older, and a four-year-old who stays home will have the same interest in learning and playing as a four-year-old in a preschool.

       A child who stays home will be busy and involved, especially if his parents provide an environment in which he can explore, play, read, go on outings, and create—all the things done at school. He’ll learn about his world because, like all young children, he’s curious. Preschool can be a very positive experience, but it isn’t a necessary one.

       If you decide to keep your child at home for the preschool years, you may wonder how he’ll adjust to kindergarten. As long as you prepare him by visiting the school ahead of time and talking about kindergarten activities, he is likely to do just as well as a child who attended preschool. Kindergarten is a new experience for all children, and they all go through a period of adjustment.

       During the years that your child is at home instead of in preschool, people may ask him, “Where do you go to school?” and other children will tell him about their schools. Your child, particularly if he is four or five, may wonder why he isn’t in school, and may feel somewhat alienated from his friends. Many children, however, are not affected by the questions and comments of others and confidently announce, “I don’t go to school,” or, “I learn at home.” If your child does express a desire to go to nursery school, you may want to look for a program that meets your needs as well as his, or you may decide to tell him that he’ll go to school when he’s old enough for kindergarten.

       Although the decision to keep your child home may be a difficult one, you might be surprised by unexpected support. One mother, expecting a lecture, reluctantly told her pediatrician she was not sending her child to school. The doctor shocked and delighted her by not only praising her decision, but telling her that he and his wife had kept their children home and that the experience had been very positive.

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